I 31/f am considering divorcing my husband of 13 years and I don't know if I'm making the right decision, we have a 2 year old daughter.

My(34M) husband and I(31F) have been together since we were very young and have a toddler(2f) together. There have been good times and in our marriage, we were best friends for years. He's always been a go with the flow kind of guy, which led to me being the planner and responsible one. Presently he is a hard worker, provides financially, and I know he loves me. Over the last few years, especially after our child was born, he has changed significantly. He went through a year of binge drinking after our daughter was born but that's improved, still drinks on Sundays. He vapes constantly, neglects his health, and his default setting is a negative attitude. I talked to him about his personality change and encouraged him to get help for depression. He briefly tried medication, found out his testosterone was low, but hasn’t followed up or stayed in treatment, I pushed again but was told I was controlling.

For years, anytime I try to talk about the relationship, he becomes defensive, looks away and shuts down, nothing ever feels resolved. I keep bringing up the same patterns. Lack of any cuddling, hugs, kisses, dates, sex from him until it just stopped happening because I no longer initiated it.

There has been moments that hurt me. Not consistently paying the health insurance and so it lapsed 3 weeks before I gave birth. I have to remind him all the time to pay his truck payment and he still doesn't ( maybe 4-5 times in almost 2 years.) When he was hospitalized last year, his mother stayed by his bedside and I was the one getting text updates from her. I thought she would watch our baby and I would be there with him, but I was made to feel left out. I cried about how I felt and he said he didn't care which of us was there and for me to handle it. He later apologized.

Recently I was 4 hours away for work and our daughter lodged food into her nostril. I lost my mental shit and broke down BC I was in a new city, new job, all alone with the baby for a month and it just got to me. I called him crying for him to drive to us BC I couldn't deal with it alone. He said it wasn't a big deal and he was 4 hours away and was tired. I had to take our daughter to the ER alone and they tried until 3 am but couldn't get it out. My husband did come the next morning and took her to a specialist. When I asked why he didn't come when i was crying he said he thought i couldn't handle it and he didn't even know if we were "together" or not at the time because we had been fighting.

Emotionally and physically, I no longer feel like I have a partner. Its been years of negative attitude from him, not feeling loved or desired, shutting down when I try to talk about things. He's defensive, avoidant, and unhappy. I kept bring up what's been going on but nothings improved. He says he feels like he’s walking on eggshells and can’t do anything right. I know his depression is causing a lot of this, but this is not what I wanted in a marriage.

Now I’m considering separation, but I’m struggling with a lot of guilt. I still care about him deeply but I'm not sure if i love him anymore in that way. The attraction is gone, I feel checked out and the month I lived alone with my daughter was so peaceful. Part of me wonders if I should push harder for treatment for depression or if counseling will help us or just delay the divorce so my daughter would be old enough for it to really hurt her.

I want peace, stability for our child, and a healthier dynamic (whether that’s together or apart) but I’m struggling with the fear that I’m giving up on someone I love who is clearly struggling.

TL;DR:
My husband and I have been together since we were very young and have a toddler. There have been good times and I know he loves me and works hard, but over the past few years he’s become depressed, emotionally withdrawn, and defensive. He shuts down or reacts poorly when I try to talk about our relationship, so nothing ever gets resolved and I end up bringing up the same issues repeatedly, which has led to resentment on both sides. I feel like I’ve lost my partner to his depression and that I’ve taken on a caretaker/manager role. I’m torn between guilt for not pushing harder for him to get help and the reality that I feel emotionally disconnected and exhausted, and I’m now considering separation.