Trauma uncovering itself after a couple years, fear of abandonment. TW: suicidal thoughts

Long story short, as a kid I had this best "friend", looking at it now, it was obviously a very toxic friendship. In my last grade of the middle school things got heavier though and transformed basically into me being bullied by our whole friendgroup and him.

It was really extremely hard to me, getting rejected by all of them, getting physically abused like if I was a toy, not a living human being. I'm pretty sure it traumatized me and even though it's been years, I still feel its impact.

As I said, these events took place in the 8th grade. Now I'm in my senior year of highschool. All of this time I could definitely feel the pain inside me but couldn't really point it out. Well recently it's slowly coming out.

My main symptoms during this time were/are: extreme fear of abandonment and rejection, social anxiety. I'm also diagnosed with depression, I was struggling with suicidal thought since I'm 12 so that's before the traumatic events even took place. And well uhh what might be worth adding is that 2 years ago I tried to intentionally overdose. In 2024 and the first half of 2025 things got pretty good though, meds stabilized me.

But I've fallen into a depressive episode during the last 2 months again. I dissociate a lot. Couple weeks ago I've met a girl online and now wounds are uncovering, I can actually connect it to my trauma. My fear of abandonment is on an insane level. If she doesn't text me back for some time, my mind goes into a full panic mode, start crying. Feels like if the world was ending. Literally makes me want to die. I've started to remind myself some stuff that happened in the 8th grade and it's honestly heartbreaking. I felt so lonely and isolated from everyone. Still kinda do

Fear of abandonment makes me not want to meet new people because I know I'm going to suffer in relationships. I don't know why I'm writing this post, I guess it's helping me to summarize things I need to talk about on therapy. But also hoping that someone might relate to me.