Externally, no more symptoms. Internally, I’m still feeling the dreadful feeling in my chest I did when I would get 5150’ed 💩

I’d like to say I’m doing wayyy better w/ my BPD than I was a couple years ago. I’m able to in a way lock in for a lot of situations whereas a couple of years ago situations of that sort would’ve sent me to the hospital.

As a teen I was super clingy & had this insane fear of abandonment lmao. Like have a breakdown in front of you cause you don’t wanna be my friend over me being too unstable type thing. Super ashamed to think back on that. Fortunately, I’ve learn to just let shit go. Unfortunately, even though I don’t go all out anymore w/ my “theatrics,” & whatnot, I still get that sinking feeling in my chest when a friend unfollows me. Or A friend stops fw me. Like I feel like I did when I would be hospitalized & anxious & sad. Genuinely think “wow, I should off myself,” until I realize that this happens to probably everyone. (Friends becoming a bit distant because life, duh. & like middle school friends like randomly unfollowing you or whatever.) & yk like it can be someone that I don’t even really talk to all crazy, my chest will literally like sink & my thoughts will go crazy. Literally making me feel like I cannot function, whether I’m trying to watch T.V, or make a hot pocket, or take a walk. Like NOTHING will shut my brain off.

Does anyone have like literally any coping mechanisms for that because wow. Almost 21 years of living and somehow my brain still can’t shut up unless my life consists of nothing but fuckass monotony. & I crave everything but monotony, I want change in my life but internally can’t handle a friend UNFOLLOWING me? I don’t think I should have dreadful feelings over something that most people probably wouldn’t care about. I for sures am not super impulsive anymore, but my brain just cannot match my actions & face for shit. I feel like I dwell on things even more now actually that I’m not acting on emotion 💀. I tried therapy, I tried music, I tried splashing water on my face & holding ice cubes & meditating. How do you calm down your brain as someone w/ BPD?