Seeking any advice or encouragement

Hi everyone,

I wanted to share my story in hopes of getting some encouragement and advice, or just words of empowerment on my journey. I am 26F and started drinking when I turned 21 in March of 2020. Since covid was happening at that time and I lived alone while my university was remote, I started normalizing drinking by myself and out of boredom. Since then, I’ve had a pattern of binge drinking on weekends pretty consistently. Sunday-Thursday I’m completely sober. I eat very well, I’m (ironically) very into fitness and wellness, and my bloodwork as of August 2025 was pristine. However, I know that my relationship with alcohol is unhealthy.

For the last 5 years, I have averaged roughly 2 bottles of wine to myself per weekend, about a bottle per day Friday and Saturday. If not that, then occasionally I drink liquor if I have it available, or seltzers. I lived with a roommate for three years who rarely drank in excess and found myself taking from her alcohol bottles in our liquor cabinet. I told myself when I moved in with my boyfriend (who doesn’t drink for health reasons) that I’d never hide from him or keep it a secret, but I did. I’d keep bottles of wine in parts of the kitchen where he wouldn’t see them often, and he couldn’t gauge how much I drank at one time. I’d sneak pours of his whiskey or other alcohol on Friday/Saturday nights when he didn’t notice. He had one bottle of whiskey when we moved in that he had drank maybe one shot of ever— and now a few months in, half the bottle is gone because of me randomly drinking it when I had no other alcohol in the house.

When he was away on a trip, I told him I’d make a drink with his whiskey, but I made a few drinks over the course of a few days and felt so bad that the level of the bottle was noticeably lower that I went out and bought a different comparable whiskey and refilled the bottle to where it was when he left. I still don’t know if I should admit this to him as I don’t think he’ll notice at all, (if he even notices we have that bottle in the first place) but I feel so guilty that I did that.

I have quit for extended periods before, including two months last year without a single drop and one month after that where I had max 1 drink per week— but somewhere along the way I fell back into the binge habit. I have been open with my boyfriend the first time I quit about how I hadn’t been sober for longer than a week or two since I started drinking and I wanted to improve my relationship with alcohol and my own self esteem. He was supportive, but I don’t think I told him the full extent and I don’t think he knows that I hide my drinking from him on weekends.

For example, even if I’m having two or three drinks, I fear judgment so I’ll have one in the open and two in secret. Or I’ll pregame with a cocktail while I got ready before going out for a drink with a friend. I suspect I do this so I can feel more of the effects of alcohol without people being able to see every drink I have, but I feel icky being secretive with my boyfriend. It may also be worth noting that I do have anxiety and ocd issues, particularly with regard to scrupulosity and guilt.

I plan to quit fully this next year. I am tired of living this way, tired of being hungover and unproductive and wasting my weekend mornings away pretending I’m not hungover. I’m still not sure how much detail I need to give my boyfriend but I do want to tell him especially once I’m sober for a few weeks that I’ve intentionally made this decision because I fell back into old patterns I didn’t like.

Any advice is appreciated. I am nervous but excited for my future