I was in the shower for 3.5 minutes.

I don’t know why I’m posting this. I just need to vent, I suppose. I am the sole caretaker of my daughter during the day while I’m on maternity leave. She’s 11 weeks old now and I’m trying to cherish this time for what it is, all of the precious and challenging moments, as this season of life is so short.

But sometimes, I miss my old life. Today, I held her and got her to sleep then successfully transferred her to her bassinet, so I ran downstairs to eat the rest of my cold, half eaten lunch. Just as I was finishing it, she woke up and began to cry. I waited for a beat to see if she would settle and she didn’t so I went back, scooped her up and she instantly fell asleep. I settled into our bed, held her sleeping for 10 minutes to let her get into a deeper sleep, transferred her back to the bassinet, grabbed a change of clothes and hopped in the shower.

We have a towel warmer with a timer and it’s a cold and snowy day in the Midwest, so right before I stepped into the shower, I put my towel in there. By the time I was out of the shower, she was crying again. Of the 20 minutes on the towel warmer, 16:30 remained. I got dressed and went to go soothe her and she fell asleep again instantly and has been contact napping in the hour since.

I guess, I’m just having a tough time today. I miss being able to shower without listening constantly for cries. Walking around the grocery store aimlessly looking for new foods to try. Going for a long walk and listening to an audiobook without feeling like I have to rush back. Cooking a dinner that takes longer than 10 minutes of prep work. Being able to go out anywhere without doing the calculations on when she needs to eat and nap.

I love this child more than life itself. Her arms and legs are getting these adorable, chubby rolls. She smiles these huge, beautiful gummy smiles. She sleeps so peacefully in my arms. She is learning and growing and it’s so cool to watch her develop.

It’s so hard to hold these two contrasting truths. That I miss my childfree life and that I’m so grateful I get to be her mom.

Does this feeling ever go away? Or will I grieve my child free life for the rest of my days?