Am I doing the right thing?

My partner & I have always had the understanding that we were both poly, but never really tried it until 2 & 1/2 years ago (dating for 4 years now). They decided at that time that it wasn't what they wanted, but I was starting to experience a lot of emotional neglect from them due to them being an avoidant attachment and a work-aholic. They were going through a lot of things that they didn't talk to me about, even when I tried really hard to make them feel safe to do so. I think a huge part of it was me becoming disabled. I couldn't work anymore but I was also going through immense pain and fear of my deteriorating health, and even medical neglect where I was severely mistreated by doctors. This was really hard on them too because they are incredibly sensitive and empathetic. I felt like I went through it mostly alone on an emotional level, because my family didn't want to hear about it either. They felt like they had to take on the breadwinner role and became the sole provider for us financially. But after no luck getting them to open up or meet my emotional needs, I suggested it again, about 4 months later. They decided we could try it, but the moment I started getting close to someone else long-distance, they freaked out (emotionally, not physically) and made me think that person had bad-intentions. We tried it a little longer, but then their trauma just exploded. I hated seeing them like that and it was clear they had a lot to work through.

We decided to only practice monogamy (edit: with the idea that we'd try polyam again in the future) and that they would try to work through their jealousy. Fast forward a year and the entire time I was still being emotionally neglected, even more than before, and they had an issue with just about any new friend I tried to make. They truly were not doing any emotional work in that time, just leaning harder into their coping mechanisms, deep in denial & delusion. All the while, I was working on myself and have now become so much stronger and healthier, I have truly learned to love myself and am the healthiest I have ever been emotionally, have been feeling this way for the last 6 months. I brought up polyamory again after a year of monogamy and they gave me the green light. (Edit: I asked them multiple times to make sure and was clear that I didn't want them to if it wasn't what they wanted.) I told them nearly immediately when I gave someone my number and they freaked out all over again.

The thing is, we're totally in it for the long haul. Things have felt so magical since the moment we got together, even when it was just as friends. Everything was so so healthy at the beginning, we are always called "the perfect couple" because people see we are so skilled at communicating and being understanding in the moment and we have built so much together. We have a lot of intellectual intimacy as well as emotional maturity (or so I thought). We've combined everything we own and we live together in a camper now with our two cats who are best friends and we originally had plans to move across the country together. But with the way things had been in our relationship, things had broken down to the point where I knew we couldn't move to our dream place together until we fixed/work through things. It took me taking space at my mom's for 4 days for them to decide to go to therapy, but they have proven that they are so willing to do the work now. They haven't had much luck with their flakey therapist, but they are making a lot of progress regardless. I truly feel so lucky to have a partner who has taken such good care of me financially, physically, and are now working hard to work on themselves and their trauma emotionally too. I know it's the trauma that has shaped and changed them, though I begged them to not take on the super-taxing job that only made things worse emotionally, but better financially.

The thing is, due to the hell and back we've been through together, they feel like they have had the "polyamory beaten out of them" due to all of their trauma. Where as I feel like I was put in a position where my polyamorous side just grew and grew as I became more and more desperate for connection. They are a lot better at letting me have friends now, even though it triggers a lot of emotions and trauma for them. But even the slightest mention of polyamory makes them spiral so hard. They are a lot better at being emotionally and mentally present and we have so much more connection now than we used to, but I also have walls up that I never had before due to all the hurt I've experienced throughout the last year or so in our relationship. So I struggle to connect to them (especially through their trauma) and I also want to seek more connections, specifically more low-commitment connections. I had a ton of commitment issues before meeting them and now we've gone 4 years strong, no breaks or breakups the entire time, because I worked through my issues as they came up over and over again. Now I've committed myself to someone who refused to do the emotional work for so long and has hurt us both so much. I just started therapy today, because I recognize there is still a lot I need to work through as well. I just can't help but feel like they are sooo behind in terms of the emotional and spiritual work. I am still so willing to work through all of the issues we have, though I'm losing motivation. I had so much faith in us for the longest time.

I still feel myself desperate for the freedom and connection that being poly could give me. I literally have dreams about it, and wake up feeling guilty. I just read a post today about how you shouldn't try to persuade a monogamous partner to be poly, and that they should be free to have a healthy monogamous relationship. But I scare myself. I desperately want more connections with more people, I want to be free to explore and meet more people and not be so confined to the kinds of relationships I can have. But I risk losing all that we've built. I risk losing the partner that I have wanted to spend the rest of my life with. My anchor. The partner I wanted to have kids with, own land with, move to our dream place together. But I also lose all that we have now. Our home, our kitties, our life together, and I hurt us both in the process. The logical answer is to just keep denying myself polyamory. But I worry that I'll make stupid decisions out of desperation and hurt. Or I worry that I'll go the rest of my life unsatisfied.

Thoughts? Advice? Anything?

Edit: They do let me have friends. They didn't try to isolate me from the friends I already had, but they would get incredibly emotional when I would try to make new friends. They had a different reasoning every time for each person, so it was hard for either of us to realize what they were doing. They've gotten a lot better about it and even when it upsets them they hide it from me. It took them a long time to recognize what they were doing and now they encourage me all the time to make friends, making a huge point of giving me freedom and opportunity to do so. They felt awful once they understood how they made me feel and that they were limiting me in that way. I have had an ex in the past who genuinely would not let me have friends, past ones or new ones. And through working through our issues with my current partner we both recognized the similarities and why it was so problematic for them to do what they were doing. Plus, making huge changes to be healthier.

With each toxic or manipulative thing we go over, they recognize it's wrong and I keep seeing real effort from them to change, things have already improved significantly over the last couple of months that we've spent working through things.

I am not technically financially dependent on them, as I could go live with my family, and they are quite aware of this.