Completely Burnt Out before residency but can’t even give up

I’m a medical school grad from India. I finished my med school, intern year and a service job a couple of years ago. I suffer from a chronic orthopedic disorder. My health has gotten worse since then. I’ve always wanted to do Hematology/Oncology and tried so hard to work towards that goal. But my mental and physical well being became worse and worse since COVID and I couldn’t recover. I have less than average scores on step exams and no one to blame but myself. I won’t match in Internal Medicine, let alone in a competitive fellowship.

I’ve tried working in different specialties to see if I’d fit in anything but i feel so disconnected from the work it makes me feel guilty. I can’t focus, I can’t work and I can’t even enjoy the things I used to enjoy. I’ve tried everything including therapy and anti depressants but there’s some brain fog that won’t leave me alone. Now I can’t decide what I want to do and where to apply. The expectations that medical school puts on you is so tremendous and I feel like a failure because people around me are doing so well.

I wish I could just go back a few years and change things. I can’t leave medicine because I’ve never known any other work and I was only good at this. I was good with patients, I loved the clinical work and now I’ve lost it.

I’m sorry for venting. I’ve been feeling catatonic for the last two months and I feel like I’m wasting my time and the money of others.