2 Years Sober Today

Hi! My name is Audrey and I am an alcoholic. I don’t really have anywhere else to post this, so I thought I’d leave it here. This reddit has helped me a lot and I hope my words can maybe help someone else struggling.

2 years sober

I would be lying if I said there weren’t any times that don’t suck anymore. In some ways, Year 2 has been harder than Year 1.

There were parties with friends where I wanted to cry because I couldn’t take shots with them. I wanted that warm feeling in my face, that relaxation, that loss of filter. I wanted to be able to immediately connect with people like I thought I could when I drank. There were arguments with my fiancé where screaming into a pillow and crying wasn’t enough; I’d want to drive to a gas station, buy the strongest wine they had, and down it while I switched my phone to airplane mode.

I still relapse in my dreams at least once a week. In these dreams, I justify why it is okay for me to drink: “I’m in a different country”, “I’m hiding it so well”, “Nothing really matters in the grand scheme of things anyways”. Every time I wake up feeling sick with guilt, but relieved it wasn’t real. It’s never a happy dream, because I immediately revert to that shell of a person I was when I was in active use.

In active use I was selfish, I lied, and no one else came before, or between, me and my drinking. I made promises I had no intention of keeping. I hated myself so much, but if I drank enough, I would be fine with who I was. I would become complacent with the limits that alcohol placed on me. I lived in fear of anything else.

I was scared to go back to school; last time, I flunked out because I was drunk while attending classes and doing my homework (if I actually did either). I couldn’t stop the drinking, so school wasn’t an option. I hated my jobs at grocery stores, where I would show up everyday so hungover and anxious that I would have panic attacks daily that inhibited my ability to work. I hated how much weight I gained from drinking hundreds of calories everyday. I didn’t fit in my clothes anymore. I couldn’t look at my red, bloated face in the mirror anymore without crying. But when I drank, I didn’t care about the weight. I didn’t care about anything.

I pushed away everyone, including the person I lived with, who showed me endless patience and gave me hundreds of second chances. I saw how much I hurt him and I didn’t care because his feelings were inconvenient to my drinking. I hated him for wanting me to get better. I thought that drinking was and always would be a part of me, and if he couldn’t accept that, then he didn’t really love me. But I kept promising him I would get help so I could keep the peace, so I could continue drinking and deal with it another day.

There is so much more that could be said about who I was when I was drinking. I have many burned bridges that could attest to that. It changes you, not only when you are literally drinking the alcohol, but in the limited times in between. Addiction takes over your whole life, it changes how your brain functions. It was my number one priority for years without me even knowing. It’s not an excuse, but I think it is helpful for people who don’t go through this to understand that addiction isn’t weakness of character; it’s an actual, progressive, inheritable disease.

It’s been a year now since my fiancé and I bought our first house, which is small but so cozy and full of love. I am graduating with my Bachelors in May. Right now, I have a 3.94 GPA. We are getting married in June, a real venue and everything. We have money in savings. I haven’t had a panic attack in over a year, probably longer. If you had told me that I would have any of these things two years ago, I genuinely would not have believed you.

In Year 1, you have just experienced the bad, so it’s easy to be grateful for the things that sobriety has given you. In Year 2, you start to take these things for granted, so I think that is the difference.