I see my father as an enemy. Because I want to be feminine and live without a masculine pride. But I feel like he holds me back by silently seeing me as a son and disapproving my life as a woman.

That dude has some sick attachment to me as his son project.

I feel like he holds me back in life, there is a constant pressure to be more masculine, a feeling of being disapproved and unseen. He avoids talking about me being trans in front of me. He never talks about it. Obviously he is showing signals of discomfort, disinterest and even hostility.

I will be happy if he dies now and I'm a good person.

I am a NEET. Supported by both parents. I mostly hated him through my life and yet he insists in being present.

I won't force him to leave my life.

I have poisoned his nervous system with negativity in the past, just as he did to me, lol, the difference being that I was actively interested in his suffering, rather than my gain. He did what he did for his own deluded passion. I did what I did in name of... violence, revenge.

He pushed this masculine bullshit on my shoulders for many years... It feels like an enemy, hostile to my goals, raising me to bump my head against a wall.

I managed to take revenge by being negative and sending him bad vibes, while using the technique of gaslighting to avoid embarassing myself.

I think I succeeded in causing damage to his nervous system and inflicting suffering. But that is not what I want to keep doing as I changed my mind and chose to pursue a spiritually clean path.

I am still disappointed when I see how much rejection and denial he manifests for my feminine side. Well, my mother did too, it took years to transform her from her doing all kinds of transphobic speech to me, to finally being accepted... I wonder if he will change like her.

Well, if he doesnt change, I will just wait for him to die and then celebrate his death. Pretend I don't reject him just like he pretend he doesn't reject me.

I understand that seeing his own son with big ass and (acup) titties working hard to be wifed by a man is a very emasculating experience. Its almost as if two enemies were united by fate, as my goals are (until he gives up)opposite to his well-being.

My success partially depends on his death as a father(attached to a dysphoric fake son). I may talk like I am in peace, but its a cold war and my objective is to conquer acceptance. I am a decent general, born for war. It looks like... I will win?

Its not about his suffering anymore, I am focused on my life now, I am not invested in his suffering anymore, not nearly as much. This war has became less violent. I just want to win, I don't want to slay enemies.

It changed. Not because I like him and love him, but because I am pursuing a spiritually clean path, devoid of such darker thoughts.