Hit my 1 year

Trigger warning: suicide

First time posting and I’ve thought this over countless times but finally ready to share.

My dad and I weren’t the closest but when shit hit the fan I could always count on him and vice versa. He was the life of the party and brought out the best in everyone around him. Deep down, he was struggling.

The first time I really noticed was in 2016 when he ended up in the hospital with cirrhosis of the liver. I thought it was maybe age maybe medication, I just wanted to give him the benefit of the doubt. During this time my sisters stopped talking to him and my mom nearly left him. The hospital he stayed at severely neglected him, I would visit him before work after work and when ever I had free time. On multiple occasions early during his stay he was covered in dried feces, given dried rock hard chicken, and vegetables that were very questionable.After these issues were addressed he slowly started to recover and eventually got out of the hospital and started his AA journey.

I was so proud of him. To me I thought if someone that drank the way he did could overcome, anything was possible.

During his soberity time I stayed by his side, talked him through his anxiety attacks and depression spells. It was a good bonding experience for us both. At the same time I continued my lifestyle. Partying living it up because deep down I knew it would eventually come to an end.

I would do stints of not drinking for months to prove to myself I didn’t have a problem, or the ol “that couldn’t happen to me “ thoughts lingered around. Unfortunately when I broke those sober streaks I would end up drinking waaaaaay more. Hiding my anxiety, my fears and my depression. The answer was always to just booze it and let tomorrow handle it.

Fast forward to September of 2024. I was finishing up a day at work and received a call that in my wildest dreams I would never believe I would get. My dad shot himself in the house he lived at with my mom and 4 year old niece currently in the house.

Still over a year later it’s hard to believe that reality exists. He saw no other way out but to kill himself. He drank multiple bottles of mouthwash and shot himself.

It was a rough few months, but it brought the family closer than ever. We didn’t realize how much he was suffering till it was far too late.

I couldn’t escape the thoughts surrounding the entire situation, but i knew I had to be strong and some form of a rock for my mom, my sister, and my two nieces. During the day and when I was with them I held it together, as soon as I left I hit the bottle. I just wanted my brain to shut off, I didn’t want to feel the pain or think the thoughts associated with his death. It hurt. I finally realized that his stint in the hospital in 2016 wasn’t an accident, he tried to do this before.

These feelings went on for several months. A couple drinks wasn’t enough, eventually it was an entire bottle, then it was multiple shooters before I started on the bottle. Mentally I was stuck in a loop, I could help those around me but couldn’t help myself.

Finally I hit the breaking point. It was the morning of the 28th, not even noon and I’ve polished off half a bottle of vodka before my wife came in the kitchen and very politely said “isn’t it a little early for that?”

I felt ashamed, but it finally made me realize I was on a fast track to head down the exact same path my old man was on. I stopped right then, put the bottle into the trash and made the decision I wouldn’t drink again.

I never want my family to feel that pain, that we all felt that day. I never want my wife to go through the pain of losing a husband. The cycle ends with me.

So here we are! A year later booze free and as added bonus I quit marijuana during that time too! I learned to stop using substances to run from my problems and from my fears, but to handle them as they come, because at the end of the day I get to see tomorrow, and there is no better feeling than that.

And of course therapy helped teach me some much better ways to handle stress and anxiety, also this community has been a big inspiration. Thank you all so much and thank you for letting me share a little of my story!