Summary.

I wasnt sure if I was going make it this Christmas- which each passing one it feels like the next will be the onw that does me in. Its not that I hate the holodays- I say I do but the truth is; the weight of repeated losses drags " The Season" down. Every year is another one without them- without guidance; and less love than the year before.

Im growing to weak for this; i asked to be " tied on " many times, I feel like my grip has slipped and im dangling by a finger maybe two.

Days roll on and my heart is changed- quiet had replaced loud and love left only for that slot to be filled by disappointment. Its as though im already gone and my body hasnt realized it yet. I feel as though ive blown another fuse mentslly- and I worry if that one was important.

Nothing looks or feels the same- its all alien to me; I know it hasn't changed but it feels so strongly so- even the walls and trees look wrong now.