I can admit my mistakes, but I’m struggling with how everything unfolded

I just need to get this off my chest. I’m not posting to be validated or excused I genuinely want to release this.

I met my wife through online dating a few years ago. There’s an age gap between us. At the time, I was coming out of a really dark period: my father had passed away, a previous relationship ended shortly after, and I was living alone and deeply lonely. When she came into my life, it felt like a breath of fresh air. I went all in emotionally, probably too fast. Looking back, there was definitely love-bombing on both sides.

We made a huge mistake early on: we intentionally got pregnant. That decision alone set the tone for everything that followed.

As time went on, red flags appeared. She had a temper, and anytime I tried to assert reasonable boundaries,especially around finances or communication, she became defensive. I felt talked down to, belittled, and compared to other men she had dated. That slowly built resentment in me.

She went through my phone and found out that before we met, I had paid for escorts. I understand how disturbing that can be, but afterward, the respect completely disappeared. What made it harder is that I later found out she had previously been involved in transactional dating herself,yet she treated me like I was morally inferior.

I’ll say this plainly!!!! I messed up badly. I cheated during the relationship. Worse, I lost control during an argument and put my hands on her. I was arrested. That is on me, fully. I regret it, and I own it.

While I was dealing with that, she immediately slept with her ex and continued seeing other people. For months afterward, she framed everything as my fault, including her cheating, even though she had already retaliated. I was painted as the sole villain.

Eventually, she joined the military. I supported her decision. She’s now deployed overseas, and after an argument, she told me she wants to divorce once she returns.

She insists she’s not dating and that it’s none of my business. However, I accidentally discovered she is seeing someone, a married man, and on their first date they were already talking about having kids together. He’s still sleeping with his wife. She’s still legally married to me. From what I can tell, neither of them is being honest about that.

What hurts isn’t that the relationship failed. What hurts is that I can admit my flaws, my wrongs, my mistakes, but I feel like I was reduced to a monster while her behavior was justified or hidden.

I’m trying to move on. I’m trying to learn. I just needed to say this somewhere without being judged or silenced.