Ramblings of a possibly but still undiagnosed insane.. kid.

Feels like my highschool life is already over

Even though it's still going

I remain still, standing

Or perhaps I am watching through glass

Tearing at the walls inside where, that once had a sense of belonging, a void has taken place of a valuable organ

Empty yet full of waste and waste and waste and—

Stacking, unending, paperwork that's unfiled, disheveled hair-like, mind

Squiggles and smudges of ink, splattered and splashed, spilled and spread

Darkest, yet darker still

The desire to cease from existence grows each day

What the hell, how come I've raised such a pet like this? This.. thing...

What am I doing?

I? We? Wha— uh. Him? Us? What am I? What are we? What is this.

A shadow. No, a wave. A ray, a beam of light, is what I— he is.

Spectating. Always spectating. Ob– observing? Whatever.

Watching.

Just watching.

Waiting for something to happen.

Waiting for.. what the hell am I even waiting for?

"My, cowardice, he is"

"Just do it already"

「ああああああああああああー

Even if we wait for an eternity. Even if he stands still, unmoving and rigid. Even when I count the seconds that remain until I fall back asleep again, slipping into these easily forgotten dreams which still has me longing to remain forever in those vague and foggy memories of what seem like faux pas realities

I find myself unable to. Fall asleep, I mean. I just don't, until I do.

"Such none-sense, in which you've typed, have you?"

How could I forget such a word? Autophobia, yes, that's it. Laughable how I mistook it for apierophobia, they're hella different! Yet all quite the same, I'm afraid. lol, "afraid."

Really though? I feel the same. Then again, it might be because I'm already insane as is. You can't have negative sanity, can you? When it drops to zero, only the insanity is there to fill the missing pieces, not that the bar loses its bottom and out pours whatever's left of your sanity. That's ridiculous!

"You've gone far from what you said in the first sentence"?? Who gives a damn, to be honest?

なんつか…　まうーどぢもいいいいいいかな？

Oh look, 4:20. I still have no idea what that means but it's funny, apparently. And so I pretend to.

How many seconds have passed since I've felt that way before? Oh yeah, that's right.

Even if I stood still for an eternity or more, things will never return to normal, that's why I think it's important that you learn to cherish every moment of your waking and your experience-ing and your what-have-its. You'll be fine, I reckon. As for me, forget and forgive and ffffffffuck this life I have. Just. Look forward. Don't look back. As if what I'm saying will ever stop you from doing so. Still, I can't help but say it, and eventually type it, out loud. Like it magically invokes.. it? The words? The beliefs? You get what I mean. That's why you'll be fine. You've always been smart. Always have been. In plenty of ways, at that.

It's way past 3 am, yet here I am, still spewing bullshit. Anyway, anyhow

Oh shit 4:44, the epitome of bad luck lmao

Epitome? Why do I strongly believe that the definition of that is like, the peak or the highest state of being a concept can get? Is it correct?? Am I wrong about the definition of epitome??? Don't know.

I have a mouth, and I must sing. I NEED TO SING. I WANT TO SCREAM AAAAAAAAAAああああああああああ

I have no idea why it hurts so bad not to sing. Yet I can't. I'd be happy to be confined in a rubber room. Only then will I be free. Free from this tip toeing, metaphorically speaking.

I'll end this whateveryou'dliketocallit of mine now, goodbye.