i finally came to the conclusion I NEED to be sober yet I don’t want to be.

Yea, well I said it pretty much, I don’t want to be sober. Using has been such a huge help in not feeling any real emotions and dealing with things. Yet I do like feeling my feelings it makes me feel human, especially my sadness vs joy lately, I’ve been feeling real good about getting those two emotions expressed healthily lately, at least in my head idk.. but I came to the final conclusion that the consequences of my using is getting to be enough and I’ve had it with hurting not only myself but others, well just my bf but it’s not JUST my bf. He’s my everything, and I’m tired of making him upset and hurt in any way shape or form.

So I’ve decided that I wanted to set tomorrow as my sober date, well more so the 1st. I still wouldn’t use tomorrow but I’d count the 1st as my first official day without it all, if that makes sense, and I’m terrified of what’s to come. My bf says I’m putting too many expectations on myself for getting sober, (agreed for one, but) still can’t shake the inevitable feeling of upcoming failure.