Why Is Someone YELLING During My PRE-RUN SOCIAL TIME???

Honestly starting to think park run has misunderstood the entire point of running.

There I am, gently shuffling around for a warm-up, finally bumping into someone I haven’t seen since last Saturday, and we’re halfway through a vital catch-up:

“So how’s the knee?” “Yeah, still dodgy but—”

“GOOD MORNING PARK RUNNERS”

Sorry—what? Who is this for? Who has turned up to park run at 8:58am thinking “I hope someone SHOUTS BASIC INFORMATION at me”?

We try again. We reposition. We attempt quieter tones.

“So anyway, work’s been—” “—thinking of changing shoes—”

“PLEASE KEEP LEFT AND BE AWARE OF FASTER RUNNERS”

Oh no. Thank you. I was actually planning to zigzag wildly and shoulder-check children.

At this point the megaphone is following us. I’m convinced it’s directional. Every time we find a conversational rhythm, it cuts in like an over-enthusiastic DJ:

“THIS IS A TIMED EVENT”

IS IT? IS IT REALLY?

Meanwhile I’m nodding furiously at my friend, having no idea what they’re saying, smiling like a malfunctioning mannequin while being acoustically power-washed by someone who has clearly mistaken a local 5k for the opening ceremony of the Olympics.

Who decided that the exact moment everyone is trying to say hello, compare minor injuries, and loudly insist they’re “not racing today” is the right time for amplified speech?

Anyway, if you saw me on Saturday staring blankly at you during warm-up and replying “yeah… totally” to something you said— I didn’t hear a word.

But I do now know that dogs should be on short leads. Against my will.