I’m so depressed

I can’t even get up. I can’t feed myself. I wouldn't even eat if i had food infront of me right now. it feels like i cant get up. i can sleep all day but at night i cant sleep at all even when i want to. i stopped all of my hobbies. it seems like nothing can bring me joy anymore. im always so fucking tired. i either cant sleep or will sleep all day. i cant text anyone back. it feels impossible for some reason. I’m good at hiding my emotions in real life but when it’s over text it’s like I can’t hide how uninterested I am. It’s my friends birthday and I can’t even get up to go hangout with them. They got one happy birthday from me I fucking suck. I just feel so tired. I can’t sleep tho. When will this ever stop. I feel so low right now. I don’t even think talking to people will help me. I neverrr tell anyone about my mental health. I could fake being happy all day. But damn when I get home after faking my personality and happiness it’s the worst fucking feeling in the world. I have no one to preform for anymore. Now I just have to be me. Alone with me. The silence is so fucking loud and I just look around realizing that I’m me I’m not the person that is always happy the person I am around other people I’m the person that can have a single hard conversation. I’m the person that drinks and hurts myself. I’m the person that comes on here just to talk and have some proof that I am really this fucking sad. I know I’ll never understand why I am the way I am. I’ll never get professional help. I may always wonder what my life could have been if I never had to deal with mental health and all of that. But I never think about what my life could be recovering from it. I feel like I’m destined to be destroyed by the person I am. I know there’s nothing that could get rid of all the years of hating myself, cutting myself, faking it all, bottling it up inside of me. I know I’m ruined. I don’t know what could help me anymore. Not like I ever really try. Any chance I get of talking to someone I pull away I feel stupid and embarrassed. I really think I’m done for. Yet I don’t do it. I’m a stupid piece of shit aren’t I. There’s nothing waiting for me in the future but a bad life. I think if I live for another 5 years I’ll still be thinking about what a waste of life I am. I’ll still be hiding everything about myself. And I’ll still want to die. So I don’t know why I keep waiting. My life has only gotten worse the more time I waste waiting for it to get better. I never change tho cause I don’t choose to change. I wait for it to happen and that’s why I am typing this right now. I’m too scared of change to change and that’s why I fucking hate myself.