little career motivation, depression/life fatigue, too strong to give up this early

hi - if you choose to read all of this, I appreciate it and thank you very much (seriously).
I want to start by saying that I have not smoked weed (still use nicotine ONLY) since near the end of August (over 4 months). When i google my own personal problems, Reddit always has people that have already posted within 1-10 years ago that strongly relate to how I feel about myself. However, I have never seen a situation quite like mine (definitely not exactly / to a T) but Reddit advice/comments have helped me, so I would appreciate any advice moving forward as it certainly can't hurt.

So, back in 2019, I was turning 27 that summer in August and always weirdly felt like I could end up in the "27 Club" (die at 27 years old). Or just die early in general. Dying early was never a real, obsessive, consistent feeling like it will happen any day, but something that just felt intuitive, especially when I was going to bed or alone to my thoughts.

I was addicted (seriously, full-on addicted) to weed, bud, marijuana, pot, or whatever you want to call it, since 2010/2011. I've read so many things that you cannot get addicted to weed - but you 100% can, as I am real-life proof. I believe you can really get addicted to anything, not just drugs, but especially drugs / any substance or action that triggers the brain to operate a different way.

During my genuine weed addiction from 2011-2025, I also smoked tobacco or vaped nicotine (tobacco when smoked, nicotine when vaped) every day / consistently. I was addicted to both weed and nicotine since 2014.

In 2015, I started vaping using Juul, before ever having a true tobacco/nicotine addiction - but easily shut down any use of tobacco once i started Juul (I primarily used tobacco to conserve my weed from 2010-2014) although the nicotine buzz/addiction was still strong the more I used it. I tended to vape / use nicotine during work, at my fast-paced advertising job in NYC, then would smoke weed when I would get home for multiple hours in the P.M. (sometimes in the A.M. too).

I never did any other drugs - just weed and nicotine - for years. And felt like a superhuman at times with it. Not just working, or living a regular life walking down the street, but also even going to the gym stoned, or doing anything stoned / on both - I felt like all my power was in the mind, and that weed doesn't make me sleepy/lazy - it literally does the opposite - makes me feel somewhat superhuman with even more energy when I look for it - then at nighttime, it can put me to bed - again, all in the mind. That worked well for quite a while so I thought.

I'm a huge sports fan and felt like I knew more than most people - I even won over $100K in 1 single night and over $200K in that entire year playing daily fantasy sports back in 2014 (fully on these 2 drugs / stoned at that time) and I felt like I just knew what I was doing in life to succeed. I also lost a ton of money (over $50K easily that year, became addicted the trying to win big again, and was always stoned / on those 2 during those thought processes/times...and I got lucky clearly, but also, was pretty unlucky afterwards in life, without realizing for years - even after stopping my shorter-lived gambling addiction. That didn't stop me from smoking and vaping daily for a decade. I was never full-on addicted to gambling again until 2019, after stopping (sometimes on/off for fun) during around 2016-2018. Once Kobe Bryant died on the day I started back up again in 2020, i stopped immediately and never looked back (same day he died was also when I won over $100K in a night back in 2014).

Without weed in my life, I had trouble sleeping, and also felt like life was so boring (for lack of better word) and weed made life so much more interesting / feel like a movie, sometimes a dream. I was basically somewhat high for my whole life from 2015-early 2020, and I mean that because I would not smoke for hours during work (roughly 8 hours a day sober) but still mentally still felt not 100% sober because of all the weed I smoked from 2010-2014 and during those days/nights in 2015 - if that makes sense.

I used weed as a crutch to help with sleep / slow me down a bit in college from 2010-2014, because I always truly felt like I had adhd or some sort of hyper-awareness that made me more nervous than relaxed in life overall - and the help that came from it with going to sleep (then at the gym nearly every day) transpired to me using weed habitually for every year since 2011 and up to 2025 (although I quit weed cold turkey for a full 6-8 month stint in 2020).

I've always been a cold-turkey quitter, truly - and stopped smoking weed AND nicotine back in 2020 - for several months as mentioned above. I started up again, however in late 2020 after a "solid' break and it didn't give me bad anxiety - it continued to "help" at the time.

In January 2020, however, that's where everything really changed for me.

Once Kobe died on the day I decided to start back up in gambling (many NBA games got postponed / i lost money that night), my mindset on life was permanently shifted. I grew up a diehard Kobe fan (despite not being a Lakers fan) and having older family members growing up, that were hugeee Kobe fans were the main reason for that.

The day he died, I started thinking everything in life was scripted / fake / we live in a simulation of some kind. Despite going to a very religious college, I decided that night that God was not real and that basically, we live in Hell. Over the next few weeks, I felt devastated, heartbroken, depressed, in shock - like a key family member died. By the end of January, I was feeling a little better and trying to (daily) use Kobe's words of wisdom as motivation to be the best person I could be - it helped.

Then Covid began, and i started thinking Kobe's death was related (at the time, if you Google translated Kobe to Hebrew then back to English, you'd get "covid" --eery to say the least). I started getting fixated on researching online all about Covid, Kobe, and lots of other things / topics (religion included) that continued the feeling that we live in a fake world simulation of some kind controlled by a higher power of people or higher intelligence - or perhaps God was doing all of this.

But as I worked in marketing for a decade, it didn't feel natural / organic to me and felt more and more like a simulation every day. I became basically obsessed with a girl at my job during the end of 2019 into 2020, and once Kobe died, i nearly forgot about my "love" for her (even though it was purely lust), however once Covid began and I never returned to the office after February 2020, i began to fully lose my mind.

This next part is hard to understand. I have had some near death experiences in life, but nothing below will talk about that.

I started a new Instagram account, and based on my feelings about the universe, and feelings about my own personal life, I truly believed that I could have what it takes to change / perhaps "save" the world, or at least save myself, and find that lost "love" (aka lust) again, by winning this girl over, during 2020, with my intelligence about the world and how it not only relates to my life and how everything and everyone is connected.

I started posting Instagram pictures every day that I felt were pure art, symbolism, cryptic sometimes, loving sometimes, heaven life sometimes, hell like sometimes, but the pictures all came from my life / taken on my iPhone. I posted over 500 pictures that year on this special IG account, and by the end of 2020, i realized my dream was delusional. From 2019-2020, I had multiple marketing jobs at reputable places (multiple bc of short stints / lost a couple) and by 2021, was looking for a job again living at home with my parents.

I lived home for over a year and never posted on Instagram again after 2020 - waiting for my big moment where I am "discovered" - not in a celebrity / overnight celeb / fame concept, but more that the world would finally be "ready" for me to change it / the younger generations would feel as though my instagram is the most impactful instagram account in the world due to the human-ness, spiritual timing, care/thought behind all of the posts.

By 2022, i completely gave up on this entire idea, despite it always still being the back of my mind on a daily basis, and actually archived all 500+ posts on my account - wishing I had never done it (feeling slightly embarrassed but more so feeling delusional / feeling like a dumbass who blew his life away to risk it all on something delusional).

I finally moved out of my parents house that year, after getting a solid-paying new job, making the most money I have ever made at a job in my life, and I was doing pretty well again. I had that job for a little under 2 years.

I then got laid off in 2024, but was able to quickly recover and find a new job that summer. This new job felt special and before i even started on my first day, it weirdly/eerily felt like my entire life was scripted / set up again in some sort of simulation. It was due to the company name (not going to say it, but in a sense, the name of the company and communication by the company was basically informing me (so i thought) that I am a very gifted/special person who has a future in changing the world. I know that sounds ridiculous/hard to fathom, but trust me, it made sense (and still does when I think about everything that transpired once I received the job offer).

By 2025, I was still working at this new job and doing well - but this was the first time in 5 years that I had to go back to a NYC marketing office and work at an office (all jobs in between were remote).

I worked at this company for nearly a year, before getting fired - and it was due to me absolutely losing my mind after being fine about 7-8 months in. by 8-9 months in, I started obsessing over the fact that there was a NEW girl at this job/office that I had feelings for - but i wasn't at all obsessing over her. This again is hard to fathom, but basically something triggered me where I started feeling like this was all scripted, everyone was doing everything for my life (and their own lives) but I was given a special mission (I've read about Messiah Complex...) from God to essentially become a person in the world who can help anyone with my instagram account, my words, motivate/inspire others, and end up living a very affluent / successful life with a large family.

I've never even had a girlfriend in my entire life - I've obsessed over girls before, but nothing like this - where in mid 2025 I became obsessed again with the idea that my old "lost love" fro 2020 aka lost lust was going to come back to me eventually (she is NOT, i can tell you that). But the new girl at the new job gave me the same feelings, and connections to her life / her name / her parents / the way she talked to me / the way others at work would talk to me - continued to escalate feelings for her. I felt like there were now 2 girls in my life who were trying to "win" me in a sense, win my love, even though I didn't even have a single conversation with the first "lost love/lust" since the end of 2019/2020...

This new love for the new girl at work caused me to get paranoid and unable to focus on daily work. I felt like everyone at work was trying to trick me / was playing along, trying to confuse me at times - everything felt weirdly connected to myself and God - I mean everything. Everything talked about /spoken verbally or written at work felt connected to my life / God. Everything felt like I was just waiting for my big moment / reveal that yes - I am right indeed. It was the actual conversations, the work we were doing, everything that corresponded since late 2024 when i took this job, that made me feel that the new girl could actually be the "one" and i am "the one" - and we need to just find love together and start a new chapter. This was purely deliusional, as you can probably tell / are thinking, but it oddly felt real.

It felt so real, however, that this caused me to lose my mind at work, and actually told HR people about this and bascially everything. They allowed me to go to therapy paid for my the company. Again, i thought this was all just part of the plan.

I did 6-8 therapy sessions with 3-4 different therapists, and all of them made me feel more and more delusional/crazy. All of them basically told me I should probably be on some medication and that I am crazy without actually telling me that verbatim (the medication part they did recommend).

I started smoking more weed during this time than usual - as I was continuing to smoke at a daily level for all of 2024/almost all of 2025 - but once I was fired in the summer from my job (sort of laid off, they gave a 1 month notice and I barely worked for the next month), after expressing all of my thoughts/feelings about everything (even mentioning my instagram account to them), they told me it's over and I need to move on and find a new job.

I have not had a job since, and I stopped smoking weed about a month after getting fired. After getting fired, weed had started to all of a sudden me insane anxiety - and I began to hate smoking weed, hated the way it made me feel - to the point where i pretty easily quit cold turkey in the summer (it's never been that easy but this time it was, despite night sweats daily and some slight irritability).

I started posting on Instagram again, however about a week after i was fired, because i felt like God was telling me that it's truly time again. And that I need to do more / post more to change the world / make the impact I want to make. I even posted a picture of what looked like a true sign from God - God's face in a sun reflection on a building, that looked unbelievable (not edited at all), and it felt like a true sign from God that I need to take a picture because it was real.

I remain in fantastic, physical shape and I look 3-7 years younger than I actually am, from what people tell me. I have not smoked weed since the summer. I still use nicotine daily and drink coffee, but that's it as far as substances.

But I stopped posting on instagram a couple weeks ago - after posting over 400 pictures since the late summer. I posted multiple a day, for most days - sometimes taking a short break (like a week or two), but overall I felt like God was helping me.

I felt like God was literally helping me post pictures on Instagram - i know it sounds so diabolically delusional, but i am dead serious. I would take 1000's of pictures a day at times, of my daily life, then go and crop/slightly edit to perfect each one before posting - and over a short time, started to realize that every picture posted was aligning / connected to the one prior (based on lines, symmetry, objects, it just was connecting in a way that felt purely unreal / spiritual / out of my control). The connection from pic to pic had me more inspired when I discovered the alignment / connections, so I felt like I was indeed correct about my life and just needed to finish this project.

I finished in Dec 2025 and not sure if I will even post on instagram again - i may delete every pic one day. I was blocked by not only the first girl i thought i was in love with, but also the second girl from the most recent job. They blocked me on all social media accounts / everything possible and told me to not contact them after I asked them to talk once or twice.

So now i am blocked by 2 girls, probably thought of as a stalker / full on creep, even though i truly thought my life was made for love with either of them. The second one though, made me feel like love was more real (rather than lust from the first) due to the actual conversations we had, the vibe/connections we had, the time we spent together (literally all during work), but i felt like she was actually in love with me and i started to become in love with her, once I got fired.

I started to have dreams about her (the second one), and in some of them, she was basically my girlfriend or wife in those, which made me feel like it must be real / it will happen eventually. But after posting so many pictures on instagram (some dedicated purely to her), she blocked me and never looked back / we never spoke again.

Now I am considering going back to dating apps because i truly am a good looking, smart, normal guy, despite everything i have said above. my family isn't scared of me / doesn't think i'm (that) weird, and they have me babysit their kids sometimes, and ask me to hangout / get drinks sometimes - basically you'd never know i lived this nightmare.

But i don't have a job, i live home with my parents now (after moving out in 2025 after getting fired, due to having no income coming in), i haven't even had a good / legit job interview in months despite trying / applying to tons of jobs...and due to living home I've been feeling like a failure, a has-been, a person who risked it all to lose everything good in my life - slightly sad / less motivated about life recently but still working out and eating right daily. the one thing i say to myself these days to keep me going is something like "well hey, i still look good" and i refuse to put myself in a position where i look in the mirror and it causes me to feel even worse about myself.

I feel like it would be good to get myself out there again, and get on a dating app, and try to live a normal life again - despite not having a job. I may wait until I am employed again, but have been starting to think that I should just meet someone and try to "live a little" especially since I have been so bored and hate watching TV/movies/shows. I still feel like everything / every media outlet is speaking to me, spiritually.

I do still feel like everything on tv is trying to tell me / show me that i am still, indeed, right about all of this, and i am indeed "the one" / special / gifted / a chosen one of some kind. It also feels delusional at the same time, and feels like I am mentally broken / my brain is broken. So i don't really know what to do.

But overall, i feel as though, if i do find a new job in the next couple of months, then I will get back on that horse and start feeling normal again to an extent. and just put this all in the past / learn from it the best that i can. Since i am not done and won't give up on life, but at the same time, i think about how i'm a failure daily and wish i wasn't living/breathing sometimes on a daily basis. but nothing to the point where i would ever actually harm myself - just daily thoughts especially in the morning or when falling asleep at night.

I guess i don't even know why i'm posting here / what i am looking for as far as advice - at this point this is just a giant rambling rant and no one probably read it. I put as much context as I could so that it's still readable, but i know - this is all ridiculous and sounds crazy.

But all i can say now is...that if you do read this, any advice would be truly helpful for me right now because I am still feeling confused/lost/hurt by the world on a daily basis. sometimes depressed but never to the point where i would harm myself or do anything to make my life even worse.

Thanks for your time.