NOT FOR THE WEAK

this entire journey has taught me how strong women are & how fucked up this country is for promoting reproductive health but turning a blind eye when it comes to women’s needs.

December 14 - I’m 1 week delayed and decided to take PT. I tested positive and we had to halt everything our budget was allotted for as partners.

December 15 - Messaged fp*p but couldn’t get any replied from them. I did TVS in advance just in case they ask for it. According to the results, I’m 5 weeks and 4 days pregnant. I’m becoming desperate for solutions na nung time na to. Grabe rin yung changes sa body ko. I become tired easily, konting lakad hingal agad ako. Di ako usually nagb-bfast pero I had to kasi nasusuka ako. I always feel like vomiting, nauseous, and I got extremely picky with food. I have to keep it a secret to everyone sa home and work. I just knew one thing for certain, I’m not ready to be a mom and this is not the kind of environment I wanted my child to grow upon.

December 16 - I saw a post here on reddit about someone they knew was selling MA pills. Out of desperation, um-oo ako. The person using the dump account is so knowledgeable and smart. She instructed me about the dosage of the meds, side effects, and what to expect. I was convinced na hindi scam yun. May binigay pa siyang mga guide sa’kin. I sent the payment nung same day (1.5k).

December 17 - The seller was constantly updating me about the shipping information and tracking number. So again, kampante ako na hindi siya scam.

December 18 - She’s telling me na “naharang” sila sa customs kuno and binayad niya yung “daw” downpayment ko for them not to expose any information or privacy. From here, I have my doubts na. I started spamming fp*p right away. Fredli is too pricey for me.

December 19 - I was able to get a reply from fp*p. I thanked the heavens that time because I’m overthinking about the what ifs. Constantly asking myself if I have the capability to keep the baby instead, but the answer is always no.

December 20 - Lahat ng salary ko and natitirang budget ng partner ko napunta sa meds, TVS (600), and pang-down dun sa scammer. I paid fp*p the whole amount (4,000). 24 pa sahod ng partner ko but he assured me na siya magsasagot ng hotel and the things that I need. He stood by my side and told me that he respects my decision.

December 21 - I’m able to get the meds. Fp*p is quick sa pag-deliver. They used lalamove and sobrang discreet ng packaging. Bring extra money in hand because you will shoulder the SF (600).

December 22-26 - Sobrang daming christmas party sa work, bahay. Again, no one knows beside me and my partner. We had to act normally. He accommodated me through each of them. Kailangan kong uminom kahit nasusuka ako, usually around 1-2 shots lang then my partner would act na kailangan na naming umuwi. Otw home, dun ko isusuka lahat. May time pa pagkababa ng grab, diretso suka ako.

December 27 - I took Mife at work. There’s no side effect aside from the pregnancy symptoms.

December 28 - We did MA. We walked-in sa hotel (2,000) for 24 hours. I informed fp*p na gagawin ko na and they were responsive the whole time.

Things that I prepared before MA:

• Atleast 4 diaper
• Pocari Sweat
• Ibuprofen
• Bonamin
• Mife & Miso
• Water

December 28 - Took the first 4 Miso. Dahil madali akong masuka, I decided to take it on an empty stomach.

8:25 AM - I took 2 Ibuprofen and 1 Bonamin then waited for 1 hour.

9:25 - I took the first 4 pills of Miso. Fpp told me not to swallow my saliva during the whole 30 minutes of letting it dissolve. On 10 minute mark, nasuka ko lahat. I was so overwhelmed. Ibuprofen, tubig, and yung pills. Kinuha agad ng partner ko yung pills kasi hindi pa fully dissolve. But I experienced bleeding na during this time, may naramdaman akong lumabas agad. I informed fpp immediately. May clump that appears dark red and I changed my diaper din.

10:00 - They told me to mix the two undissolved tablet with two new ones that’s supposedly for the second dose. So ang nangyari, back to step 1 ulit. I tried the deep breathing method to avoid panicking myself. This time, I lasted for 20 minutes before vomiting again. Then me and my partner cried. I cried because I couldn’t do it. He cried because he saw my state and told me how sorry he is because I have to bear it. We tried looking for other options, google and chatgpt said we can do it vaginally. Fp*p said no kasi hindi daw masyadong effective yun.

10:30 - We’re monitoring my bleeding and I felt something na bumulwak na malaki. When we checked, it’s a clump pero this time, clear yung appearance niya.

12:00 - I can’t feel any hunger pero kumain ako because my body needs food. My partner also ordered McFloat para ma-burp ko agad yung kinain ko. It’s effective naman. I felt cramps like the ones I experience during menstrual period.

3:00 - My partner researched about it and told me na I can swallow my saliva because the result is almost always the same as keeping it and swallowing in 1 go. I finished the whole 30 minutes and swallowed the remnants with water.

Mas intense yung pain during second dose, like hindi ka talaga makakagalaw. I was basically bedridden the whole day except for when my partner changes my diaper and we monitor the bleeding. More on bleeding nalang dito sa second dose, and now, we’re still monitoring it. I had fever pero it subsided din agad.

3 DAYS POST-MA

More on bleeding and we’re waiting for 3 weeks pa before doing PT again. I changed into napkins, more frequent ang pagpapalit and heavier siya compared to my usual menstrual cycle. Pero yung feeling is para ka lang may mens. I have no morning sickness so far, and my appetite is back to normal. I’m hoping that it’s a successful MA.

I hope the system will shed more light to abortion. Because damn it’s so hard. Physically, mentally, financially tiring talaga. I’m a working student. My partner is working full time too. But we have to prioritize allotting our budget for this. I’m also a breadwinner and the kind of environment that I have right now is not what I wanted my child to experience. My hugs and prayer goes to every women who’s losing hope, please be strong for yourself. I’m learning to love myself better each day after MA. We’re also researching about practicing safe sex more. We concluded that it’s because we used a condom na nasa wallet niya for several weeks. Apparently, heat can weaken the latex pala.

My DMs are open for those na may tanong pa. Please message me. I’ll also post the profile of the scammer for awareness. I lost hope sa refund na at iniisip ko nalang kikitain ko pa naman yung 1.5k.