My mentally ill great aunt is the mistress in an eight year affair.

My (28f) ill family member (76f) has been the mistress in an affair for eight years, and may be being taken advantage of.

Throwaway to protect my family’s and my identity. Also, I am a high school English teacher and use em dashes and semi-colons when I type. This is a long one, so grab some popcorn.

TLDR:

My (28f) great aunt (76f – grandma’s sister) has been the mistress in an affair for the last eight years, and I think she’s being taken advantage of. I am not sure what, if anything, I should do about it.

The background:

This story begins about ten years ago when my great aunt (GA) had a psychotic break. She was not associating with reality, was severely depressed, and attempted suicide twice, which landed her in the hospital. After the second attempt, she was admitted to an inpatient program for her own safety. She was initially held for 72 hours and voluntarily agreed to stay while she received treatment and assessment. She was diagnosed with Bipolar 1.

She comes from a generation where mental health wasn’t talked about and was heavily stigmatized, but this has clearly impacted her for her entire life. As she’s learned about her mental health and spoken to psychologists and psychiatrists over the years since her diagnosis, it’s obvious now that she’s had many manic episodes. She is also hypersexual (this is important).

She has one child (42f), whom we’ll call Janice. She was the product of a short marriage when GA was 18-21. Her then-husband cheated on her, so they got divorced and remained good friends for the remainder of his life. She even had a threesome with her ex and his affair-partner-turned-wife at some point in her 30s. It sounds weird, but it was actually a pretty healthy friendship with both the ex and his partner.

Before her diagnosis and throughout my GA’s entire life, she’s never had stable relationships with men. I remember growing up, my father referred to her as a slut on more than one occasion and joked about her revolving door. I don’t agree with him and think my dad’s an ass, but sharing this detail adds context as to how others viewed her relationships.

Throughout her life, based on what she’s shared, she slept with 20 or more men per year. I have no reason to doubt this, and it’s been corroborated by many people.

She often found sexual partners on online dating websites, where she was very transparent that she was only looking for one thing, which is how she met Barry (64m) about eight years ago.

Barry is married to his high school sweetheart, with whom he has been since he was 12. They married at eighteen and, in their late 20s, had two children together. Those children are adults with their own kids now.

Barry told her (and continues to tell her) this sob story about how his wife never wanted to have sex. He also mentioned it was because she suffered sexual abuse in her childhood and teen years at the hands of her father. Apparently, he can count the number of times they’ve had sex through the entire duration of their marriage on his fingers. He is adamant that the last time they had sex was when they conceived their youngest child.

A couple of years before meeting GA, Barry had another affair that lasted about two months. The woman wanted him to leave his wife, but he said no, so she showed up on the front step and told his wife everything. He also frequented “happy ending” massage parlours over the years to get his rocks off.

When they met online, the intention was to have casual sex on occasion, and that was it.

But that’s never it. They “fell in love,” or at least GA did, but Barry says he did too. They saw each other about 2x/week for most of their relationship over extended lunch breaks he took from work and emailed nightly after his wife went to bed.

They’ve been “together” for eight years and are “exclusive.” I don’t really get it because he is married to another woman, and I think he’s full of shit, but I’ve never met the guy. GA does not want him to leave his wife, because she doesn’t want to live with him, nor for him to lose half of his assets in a divorce.

I need to be clear: GA is not well. Even after a decade of treatment, she never really found a regimen or routine that worked for her. She is often in a state of slight mania and hypersexuality; however, she occasionally sinks into a deep depression. As a byproduct of her mental health issues and Janice not being local, GA’s living situation is not healthy. She lives in filth. Her house is so dirty and smells so bad, I don’t know how anyone wants to take their clothes off there, let alone touch anything. Last time I visited, I brought a towel to place on her sofa under me so I didn’t have to touch it. Ants were crawling on her toothbrush and the holder in her bathroom, the floors had a worn “path” of less dirt, kind of like trails in a forest that get flattened as many deer walk along it.

GA is also receiving government assistance (not sure if welfare or disability?) because she was unable to work after her break. She barely has enough to pay for her rent, electricity, and groceries. I help out where I can by ordering groceries to be delivered to her house on occasion, and I tried to send a cleaner weekly, but she said no. It’s not my responsibility, though. It is Janice’s. I also don’t live in the city that my GA does.

Barry has subsidized her income for many years, often giving her $200-300/month, which is a lot when you have nothing. She relied on that money. IMO, he treats her like a prostitute by doing that. They meet, have sex, and he gives her money once per month. It’s probably a lot more cost-effective than paying for happy ending parlours, honestly.

Two years ago, Barry went out for lunch with GA to meet Janice, who seemed unfazed by their relationship. Janice really likes him and encourages the affair.

About six months ago, Barry reduced his hours to take a step toward retirement. He now only works half days twice a week, so he doesn’t have any more extended lunch breaks. He says his wife is on his case all the time because she thinks he’s cheating (if only she knew), so she keeps close tabs on where he goes, when he comes home, etc. and he can’t get over to visit GA.

The issue:

GA has been very ill for about eight months. She was diagnosed with cervical cancer; however, they caught it early enough that the doctors are confident they can treat it. Being sick has done a number on GA’s mental health. She also hasn’t been able to have vaginal sex while she undergoes treatment.

Barry’s “retirement” and the lack of visits seem too coincidental in my eyes. It looks like he stopped visiting her as soon as he couldn’t get laid. His emails have slowed, there have been significant communication gaps, and he has stopped by maybe three times since reducing his work hours. He then is nonchalant when he pops back into communication. He apologizes, professes his love, and blames his wife—then disappears again.

GA really does love him. Until his semi-retirement, GA and Barry never argued. Now she’s wound up all the time asking him to make an effort if he cares about her. She’s in full-blown anxious attachment panic. She emails him with suggestions of how he can escape his wife for a rendezvous, threatens to harm herself, and tries to guilt him into coming to see her. But, he always says his wife is too suspicious and he can’t get away. He tells stories of how jealous and “crazy” his wife is in his emails.

This dynamic isn’t healthy.

GA and I speak on the phone a couple of times per week, and all she talks about is Barry and her sexual escapades over the years. She is unwell. I know this, I smile and “oh, cool,” and listen to her because I know she’s lonely.

Barry has never told GA his real name. He used an alias on the dating site to protect his identity. GA knows this and is ok with calling him Barry. She thinks he’s justified in “protecting his marriage” by maintaining this secret identity.

Over the years, she’s learned some details about him, and I’ve kept a list to see if I can identify him.

The conundrum:

Do I just let this go on?

I mean, really, it’s none of my business. Janice should be stepping in, but she’s not. She’s just happy it’s been one man for eight years, so she doesn’t think she has to worry about abusers or GA catching diseases.

But it is absolutely destroying my GA’s mental health, and she is already fragile. She’s been hospitalized multiple times for the mental swings she’s experiencing due to heartache and stress of the relationship in addition to her physical health issues with the cancer.

I consider finding him, contacting him, and telling him to either show up or rip the Band-Aid off and end their relationship. The back and forth is destructive. She is so hurt, and it angers me because I’m convinced this guy is a terrible two-timing liar who is probably seeing many women—bailing on GA now that he’s not getting sex out of their arrangement. I’m convinced he never actually cared and used her as a cheap hooker all these years.

I’ve tried to find him on my own. I’ve Googled, searched LinkedIn, and tried to pull property records from the municipal office in the name I believe is his. I’ve researched companies that might hire his trade and scrolled employee databases. I’ve never found enough connecting information to be confident I’ve found the right guy.

I am willing to hire a private investigator to see if they have any better luck.

I’m worried for my GA’s mental health, her safety for many reasons, and the toll this is taking on her. It hurts my heart to see her like this, and it’s only getting worse.

I don’t know what, if anything, to do.