A year into my quitting kratom journey

I began my quit a little over a year ago. I have relapsed 4 times for brief periods (less than a week and usually just one use). A lot has happened in my life this past year. I have learned a ton about myself through this.

The biggest thing I have learned is I will do just about anything to avoid pain, be it emotional, mental or physical pain, I can't stand it and dont deal with it well. I also learned that I can become addicted to almost anything, not just substances. I have become addicted to relationships, too and have hurt people I deeply care about due to this. :'(

My issues were never just kratom or just alcohol or just opiates (or whatever else I got addicted to). My issues are me and my own unreslolved trauma. That hurt to realize. It hurt to realize how my behaviors hurt people, too.

Officially I haven't used kratom for about 4 months. The last relapse was me buying 7oh tablets, eating half of one. Getting violently ill and throwing the rest away. Every time life gets overwhelming and I think about getting k, I remember how sick it made me last time. I guess that memory hurts me more than my present stressors. I always say when the pain of using becomes greater than the pain of quitting, that's when I stay quit. Same with booze and pills and sad relationships. Pain is the best teacher for me. :/

Recovery is not linear. I say that all the time but man, I wish it was. I wish there was a clear starting point and a clear finish line where I can say, there it is! After that point, ive won! But it isn't like that. Not for me. For me, it is a lot of stumbling around in the dark, trying really hard and feeling like crap for the mistakes I've made. But I do keep trying. I guess that might be the secret, after all. To just keep trying.

I am proud of everyone here, whether you have one day, 105 days, a year, ten years... This is a battle and it isn't for the faint of heart. Keep trying. Bless you'll. 💜