I hate that Im too okay with problematic media

Lately I've been feeling wayy More normal towards media I shouldnt be consuming. For context I'm 13, I know this isn't the best app to say my age but honestly fuck it. I've recently become pro fiction and proship. I'm not a darkshipper, I just don't think you should harrass them. The reason why I turned pro fiction in the first place is cause in real life I make my friends extremely uncomfortable. I won't give details but just know I made them uncomfortable. So I though, "I should resort to fiction and be wierd about fictional men instead" so I eventually turned to ao3, Wattpad and c.ai. the avarage 13 year old girl canon events and stuff. But the thing is that because of fiction. I have to hide alot from poeple cause I know they won't agree with anything I say, including being a proshipper and thinking anything is fine as long as it's fiction. Out of fear I have to hide it all, which made me feel a bit more disconnected to poeple knowing that I'm lying. The problem is that I've never been considered a fully good person by poeple who love me. I love everyone although they barely agree with me and would see me as a creep. Which gets me back to the one belief I believed. "Fiction doesn't affect reality." Isn't it affecting my reality at the moment? For context I don't actually get into any dark media. I believe that if you read something that is bad (kodocon, sexual assault, incest etc) it's something you are allowed to enjoy as long as you keep it a secret and as long as you keep it fictional. I get uncomfortable by that stuff, especially lolicons. I seriously don't know what to do. I'm in a really awkward spot. The reason why I believe that stuff to begin with is cause I'm already pretty judged so I think to myself ,"if I judge those poeple isn't it me doing the same thing poeple do to me?" That's why I hate judging poeple. I find problematic media so weird but I dont want to judge poeple that definitely understand me on a much better scale. No shame to the poeple in life, I love them all even though I don't agree with them on so many stuff.