Im I the ass hole for telling one of my best friend that I don't care if her grandma has dementia

I (26F, Black) have been friends with “Sarah” (26F, white) since we were about 13–14 years old. We went to the same secondary school, then the same university, and we graduated together. We’ve been close for over a decade, and Sarah herself has always been kind to me. She’s not openly racist and is politically pretty neutral. The problem has always been her family. The first time I was ever invited to her house, when we were about 15, she told me right before we went inside that her family was “a bit old school.” That was the exact wording. She didn’t explain further, and I didn’t really understand what that meant at the time. Looking back, I feel like I should have been warned properly instead of being told basically at the door. From that point on, I experienced a lot of uncomfortable and racist behavior from her family. They would touch my hair without asking, squeeze it, comment on it constantly, and ask if it was my “real hair.” When I said no, they would laugh or make comments like it was some kind of joke. None of it felt curious or respectful—it felt mocking and invasive. When I stayed over at their house once, her grandmother touched my hair while I was sleeping. I woke up to it. Her uncle has also made comments about my appearance and about Black people in general over the years. Sarah never really defended me. At best, she would awkwardly laugh it off or stay quiet. She never directly told them to stop or called out the racism. I put up with it for years because Sarah herself was nice to me, and I didn’t want to create conflict or seem dramatic. I just avoided her family as much as possible. Fast forward to now. Her grandmother has dementia and is in a care home. She doesn’t remember most people anymore—not even close family members. However, one thing she does seem to remember very clearly is her hatred toward Black people and people of color. I went to visit her once recently to be supportive. During that visit, she repeatedly called me the n-word and chased me out of the room. Staff had to intervene. I left immediately. I later found out this behavior isn’t limited to me. She refuses to let any people of color touch her in the care home. When she had a doctor who was Indian, she told her to “go back to her country.” She is also very vocal about racist political views and has said she would vote for Reform. Despite the dementia, this prejudice is extremely consistent. Now Sarah and her family want me to come back and visit her because her condition is getting worse and she might die soon. I said no. I explained that every time I’m there, I am subjected to racial abuse, and I’m not willing to put myself in that situation again. I was very blunt and said that I don’t care that she has dementia or that she may die—I’m not going to visit her. Sarah and her family think I’m being heartless and cruel, and that I should be understanding because “she doesn’t know what she’s saying.” From my perspective, dementia may explain her behavior, but it doesn’t mean I have to endure being called racial slurs or dehumanized. AITA?