Watched old home movies

My dad found a working VCR player in our house last night so we started watching some old home movies, some from before I was born with just my older brother, videos of my mom and her mom (who passed shortly before I was born), videos of me when I was young, and my parents wedding film. My mom was in all of them. We had christmas morning and easter videos at my childhood home. It was a shock to my system.

My parents first dance at their wedding was the hardest thing to watch. She was so beautiful and I could just feel the love they had through the screen. I’m so mad I never got to watch their wedding video with her.

I’m so thankful we have these videos but after watching them, I just feel a million times worse. It triggered something in me. I am so freaking sad. Seeing my mom younger, happy, and seeing the love she had for us kids in our younger ages was so beautiful but god it hurts so bad. I miss her so much. I keep seeing her face from those videos and her voice in my head and its like a stab in the gut. I just feel HORRIBLE today.

My mom passed in October and I know its early in my grief. But I was doing okay until these videos. I sobbed to the point I felt like I was going to throw up last night.

I miss her so fucking much. The house is so lonely and my dad is so sad. I just want her back to bad. I want her to give me a hug as her hugs always healed me even when I was going through hard times. I want her to hold my hand and tell me shes proud like she did so often when she was here.

Today has been hard. I guess I’m thankful that her love will live through me because she loved me so much.