19F and 21M

Hi, I'm a 19 yr old f living with my 21 yr old bf. I am bisexual but I've always wanted a romantic relationship with a woman, it's just always been harder for me idk why. I love my boyfriend, we've been together for about a year and a half. I told my boyfriend before we got together that I was bisexual and I had to explain to him why. He was accepting of it just stuff like that doesn't make sense to him (he doesn't see girl and girl as cheating so he doesn't understand how it counts). He told me he just wanted me to be happy.

For awhile now I've been having dreams of me being in relationships with women. Recently its one of two a night, we're usually in a car or just hanging out, doing relationship stuff yk? I've been open with my boyfriend about these dreams but other than explaining them I've never really told him my interest or want for it to be reality. I feel guilty even though he's told me he wouldn't care if I had a girlfriend. He told me he would not want to be apart of it but it would be my own separate thing which works for me. Everytime we've talked or joked about it he doesn't seem to care but I feel eventually he'd get jealous or use it against me.

I've never cheated on him and like I said he believes a woman being in a relationship with a woman doesn't count as cheating which I've never done while with him but it's something I truly want. I've dated girls before but most of them ended badly. While being with them though it made me happy. I love the connection and understanding with another woman, the closeness, how beautiful they truly are, like it's just a whole separate feeling than being with a man. With a woman I get more nervous and the feelings are stronger idk how to explain it because not even I understand it.

My boyfriend is also usually busy working, gaming, and just doing his own thing so I get kinda lonely. I have friends but they live an hour away because I moved in with him. My boyfriend provides, gives me love, and just does everything I've ever needed so I guess that's why I feel guilt to an extent. I just don't want to feel like I'm hurting him or making him feel like he's not good enough. He calls me g@y all the time and recently I've just agreed with him hoping he'd take a hint so we could ease into the conversation.

When I think of being with a woman it's so different, I picture me being with one, happy, and providing for her. I want to treat her like a princess and tend to her every need. I'm the same way with my bf, I'm always there for him emotionally, and if he can't afford something then I pay, I take care of him, lay out his clothes for work, clean, laundry, when he's tired I give him a shower, run his back, arms, legs and feet, like I treat my man like a princess lol which I enjoy.

I just don't want to feel guilt but I also want to be free to explore that side. As I said I'm scared he'll end up using it against me or get jealous and insecure. I feel as if he's only okay with it because it hasn't become reality and I feel once it does if it does he wouldn't be able to handle someone else having my attention or love because our relationship has always been about him and him on a pedal stool. Not to bash him but he can't even handle me spending time with my own best friend who I consider a sister and he likes her and gets along with her but told me he still wants my attention if she spends the night or would like to be invited in anything we do and I told him he's always welcome he doesn't need to ask because like I said we all get along so it's only been a problem when he's felt left out. That's why I'm scared he wouldn't be able to handle me with a woman.

I love women and I always will, in first grade is when I realized, 5th grade I had my first "gf", 10th grade was my first and last time w a girl. I just don't know what to do. It's something I crave and always have. I wouldn't dump my bf or throw him off to the side infact in a friend way I'd like for him to get to know my girlfriend and hangout. I mean my best friend and I are so close that when she spends the night we all sleep in the same bed, we watch movies, go out in town, on little side quests, just friend things and I'd like to do the same thing but with a girlfriend. Like I said my boyfriend wouldn't be involved he had not interest in being with another woman because before we were even tg I offered just to see what he'd say and he told me he's not that type of guy and well anytime I've asked about me having a gf he's always said it's all on me and for me to be happy because he's happy with me and that I'm a good woman so he couldn't imagine putting up with another romantically in case she didn't hold up to his standards.