Right choice?

I have bipolar 1 with psychotic features and i’m currently in a really bad manic depressive episode and have been for a while now and i feel like im slowly headed towards hospitalization but honestly im terrified and im really questioning if this is the right choice. i just feel so unstable and i cant control my emotions or mood or honestly anything and i feel like im just on a downward spiral. i have a part time job and in the almost 2 months ive been there ive called out 5 times the 5th time being yesterday due to how bad it’s been getting and i know im going to get fired and i honestly get it. i went down to my towns crisis center yesterday and they said they aren’t super concerned about hospitalization unless im super suicidal and honestly i think i am. im just scared because this will be my 3rd hospitalization in my 25 years of like but the 1st one as an adult and my first hospitalization was incredibly traumatic and im just scared to go through this again. i plan on going back down to the crisis center Monday to talk to them about hospitalization. i dont even know why im posting this or what im asking honestly im just desperate for things to change and im just so scared.