trying to come to terms and trying to not dump to strangers.

sorry if this became a bit to ranty or if this isn't the right place i don't post much and am trying to do right. 45M up until about early 2025 i "knew who i was". Now i'm not as shure. first a bit of history. while i dont feel like my family and friends when growing up were super strict i have mostly happy memories from that time.

that being said anytime i would bring up or consider something non standard for boys i would get a strong no. fast forward to after i moved out and i with the support of my now wife start doing things i could never. grow out my hair, get earrings eventually paint my nails. i did all this over time.

i end up having a conversation about gender identity LGBT etc with a person over discord and this ends up being I don't know, awaking, trigger whatever. that further opens me up to the possibility i might be bi and possibly trans. my adhd ass dose what it does and research and digging later i agree i am pan and the possibility of something possibly trans isn't completely off the table.

i shelf this for now but sit on it for a few months before talking to my wife and decide to experiment. the short is i now wear almost exclusively women's underwear. thigh high socks more often than not and skirts and every step has me feeling what i assume is euphoria. i definitely get giddy when in drag. i still limit my public outtings to just near my house and maybe to do a curbside pickup not actually going inside a public place.

last week i had my wife who has been super supportive of all of this so far help me with makeup. while i ended up un happy with the color choices we ended up using. all 2nd hand so not a color palette I would have picked. i still enjoyed the experience to the point i want to get my own.

i know with all the stuff i have researched that the question of "what am i" is mostly a question only i can truly answer. and i feel that i know the answer. weither or not i go forward with any / all of the transitions a part of me feels or is at the least curious about the big what if. and this is ultimately putting me on a emotional rollercoaster. do i enjoy girly things yes. am i a girl maybe.am i scared absolutely, in part to social norms and personal hangups and i feel like i need the right kind of nudge and internal confirmation that i do want this, and its not something adjacent.