I realized that I'm not exaggerating & that I actually do need help

this is a bit long & includes some backstory, but I wanted to share a positive realization/progress in my treatment that I've had recently. I'm very curious if anyone here can relate or has had similar experiences (good or bad), so I'd definitely love to hear your thoughts :)

I’ve been in therapy for a very long time, but I only got diagnosed with CPTSD about two months ago after switching therapists last year from a cbt-focused therapist to a psychodynamic/trauma-informed one. I loved my previous therapist & definitely still miss her a lot, but I think she underestimated a lot of what was going on & I ended up being misdiagnosed with social anxiety. for years, that diagnosis never *really* sat right with me & I kept wondering what was actually "wrong" with me. I knew there was more to it, because even though I've been in therapy for such a long time (around five years total, with two longer breaks in between), I never really felt like I started seeing myself differently or that anything deep inside me, or the way I view myself, actually shifted. I’d researched cptsd/ptsd & trauma responses for years, but I kept invalidating myself & telling myself my trauma wasn’t "bad enough" and that I was overreacting, so I dropped it & never told anyone about it. then my new therapist brought up CPTSD & for the first time in my life i felt truly seen and understood.

I think, for me, a big part of my CPTSD comes from growing up learning that my needs, feelings & boundaries weren’t safe. I basically experienced a lot of emotional neglect from my mom & home always felt unpredictable. her moods could change really quickly (partly because of her BPD) & I only ever got affection when I was being "good", helpful & low-maintenance. there's more to it, but I think this says a lot.

over time, I think I really just started believing that I'm safer if I don’t cause problems, if I'm useful & if I stay in control. I'm 21 now and I've spent years tying my self-worth to my (academic) achievements. I've become extremely high-functioning as a coping strategy, but it’s really catching up with me now. I feel like I'm stuck in fight/flight all the time. I guess I had to learn the hard way that using achievement to prop up my self-esteem doesn’t work anymore & honestly just makes me feel worse in the long run..🫠

because of all of this (plus multiple breakdowns from being constantly triggered), I finally decided to take a break from school & look into inpatient treatment. over the past few months, as things have gotten more unstable, I've had this growing "I need to get out of here" feeling and this sense that I just can’t keep going like this much longer, though not in a suicidal way. I've found myself daydreaming about a clinic/rehab stay a lot. but then the inner critic kicked in to tell me it’s not that bad, that I'm exaggerating, that I should just push through and pull myself together. naturally, I listened to that voice for a long time. then one day, kind of out of nowhere (I didn't plan it), I told my therapist what had been going through my head & to my surprise, she really validated me in that moment & supported my wish for inpatient treatment.

and it still doesn't feel real, but right now I'm actually in the middle of getting everything sorted to take a break from school & I already have an initial consultation booked at a clinic.

part of me definitely still feels guilty & keeps telling me I’m overreacting and shouldn’t do this. and it’s honestly really hard block that voice out & actually listen to what my body is telling me instead. but at the same time, I feel such a deep sense of relief. I'm actually looking forward to resting & focusing on my trauma work so that maybe, I can finally get out of this cycle a little bit more & be kinder to myself :)