I’m not ok

Help this is eating me up inside

So a couple of nights ago I had a conversation with my mom And we were talking about my mental health therapy and all of that And my mom was telling me how the hospital is for people who have severe trauma And I said so why are they still treating me? Why did he say if I have a crisis go to the hospital if I have tried to attempt go to the hospital? And my mom said because you keep their bills paid. my mom always tells me that there’s no pill to make me do my coping skills and how my illness is a choice. I know that it’s no pill to make me do my coping skills. I know that and she knows that I know that but she always reminds me of that. But I just keep replaying and replaying what she told me because she told me how my mental illness is a choice. How therapy in the hospital is for people who have severe trauma how me taking meds is bull crap how the therapist are only using me and helping me because I pay their bills. I keep their bills paid and how when I say that my moon are self harm episodes don’t have a trigger that they’re writing that nothing is wrong with me in my chart. I’ve been thinking about it ever since we had the conversation and I’m trying not to replay it over and over again in my head, but I’m struggling. I starved myself for three days and this morning I woke up and I cut my arm. I did a lot of cuts. My mom does not take the time to understand why diagnosis and she doesn’t even know all the meds I take but she does get me the help that I need. She’s never not done that she does take my health seriously but I don’t know I’ve been struggling she wants me to come to her and tell her, but sometimes I just struggle and I don’t know if it’s the professionals telling girl in this or it just hurt making it up I need a different perspective.