Feeling so alone it hurts

Jus felt bad and called my dad again, to see if we can meet. My son wants to see him after 5 months. We agreed to meet but then, the evening before he said he is feeling sick and better plan it for next week.

Some months ago I passed a really hard exam and got a title that would let me have a good job, for the government. I felt I wanted to call him. He said he wanted to see my son and better as soon as possible. We agreed on a date, then one day before he said he is leaving the city for meeting a “woman-friend” and seeing the other grandson. He haven’t seen my son since July. We live in the same province.

Yesterday we were with the family of my husband. His mother is also a narc and they have betrayed my trust talking at my back when I leave my well paid job to study for this new one. The almost made us got to a divorce (in fact it was him, not defending me in front of all his mother abuses) I can see how he has support, mentally, economically and you know just a house where to go and have your favorite dishes cooked for you, and your son taken care of.

This morning -when we are going to meet my father- I just felt so alone.

My husband seems to enjoy talking about my disordered family, and I can see a glimpse of satisfaction in his eyes about this situation. He also said he does not like to hear me that much talking about problems (I get it, but then don’t come to me to talk about my fathers wrongdoings, and get so exasperated when I bring on something from your family) Also last years he has been flirting with añ office colleague, younger and slimmer than me (multiple times he has suggested me that I am big or that I should loose weight, both things I know and try to work on after leaving the antidepressant)

Am I just condemned to feel alone because of my upbringing? Am I just not doing the “be grateful” thing or just focusing in the negative? Am I a bad wife cause I just see him as bad, don’t want to be with him but suffer just thinking in a divorce because of my kid?