I want to text her so bad and I don’t know if i should

10 months ago a girl appeared in my life randomly (lets call her N) and we got really close and were talking everyday and eventually I caught feelings but she didn’t want to get in a relationship because she didn’t believe in them anymore after her last and only relationship of 3 years, N kept saying some weird stuff that doesn’t match at all her actions like i don’t have any feelings to give to anyone and you are really cute and perfect and i love you but i don’t want to ruin our friendship, she also was saying that she felt physical attraction and when i asked if she saw me as a brother she said not at all. We also used to do stuff that only people in relationships would do like calling for hours and hours everyday and sexting sometimes. I kept telling her that if she doesn’t think we can be more than that then we should stop doing those stuff and act like actual friends or we should just let go of our friendship because I don’t see her as only a friend anymore.

About two months after those conversations we grew a bit closer and i tried with her a couple more times but nothing worked and during that time i also grew closer with another girl (R) that i had a crush on for a long time before i knew N. I got into a relationship with this girl and she forced me to cut contacts with N although me and N were soo attached but i had to do it and i told N and it was really hard for her that she would always reach out and tell me that she is hurting and also blame me for what happened and that i am the one who choose R and not her but i kept telling her that it isn’t my fault and that i gave her many chances.

Anyway i didn’t completely cut contacts with N because she wouldn’t stop reaching out and that lasted about 2 months until i broke up with R and at that week i was really having a hard time and told N that i don’t want us to get close again because i don’t want to get attached to anyone at the meantime but N didn’t like it and saw that i was selfish. After two weeks when i started to get better i tried getting closer to N and explained that i said that because i was hurt and was afraid of getting hurt again and that we can get close again if she wants but she got mad and said that not everything is up to me in the relationship and that the reason i was getting close to her was me breaking up R. We kept getting distant after that although i was trying to fix things but she is just colder than before.

At the end she told me that another boy appeared in her life 2 days ago and that they started getting closer so a couple of days pass by and i feel her became really cold and uninterested so i sent her a big message saying that i decided to let her go and i apologized for hurting her during R and also said that i won’t forget our memories together and she replied to it then no contact started.a week later she texted saying how are you but i was really cold with her and didn’t say anything more than needed. fast forward to now 20 days have passed by and not a word said. We see each other and college but act as strangers, it is really hard to keep doing this and i feel like i want to text her so bad but i know it is a bad decision, should i do it anyway?