What should I do with the promises that I made when I was a 10 years old?

So my family has always been pretty abusive, conservative and homophobic but at the same time they're good too like a family but when I was 10 things were rough it was also when I realized I was a lesbian, I never really came out to my family but I think it's pretty obvious, and only my elder brother knows ab it bc he found out by accident and has been using that as a tool against me, but either way couple of days ago I found my old diary and I had made a promise to myself that I would leave that household when I turn 18 or I'm killing myself and that promise has been stuck with me for the longest time but I'm turning 19 in few months, I still live with my parents I don't even have a stable job that makes even enough to cover basic living expenses, and as much as this sounds stupid I feel like if I stay alive I'll be disappointing my 10 years old self and it's not even like things are better now, idk how to get past this. I need help...