Help! My (high functioning) autistic 19yo is stressing me out! Advice Needed!

I have a 19-year-old autistic son who is enrolled in community college. On the surface, he can appear high-functioning and capable of blending into society, but he struggles profoundly with transitions, demands, and any task that interferes with what he is currently focused on.

When he becomes anxious or overwhelmed—especially when asked to switch tasks, leave the house, or do something he does not want to do—his behavior escalates quickly. He becomes verbally aggressive and physically intimidating. While he does not hit, he uses his size and body weight to block, shove, or physically move me. This is frightening and exhausting.

He has never had a job, not because he lacks intelligence or ability, but because the anxiety, rigidity, and aggression that surface around expectations and transitions make sustained employment extremely difficult. He strongly resists leaving the house and will physically refuse to get into the car when he does not want to go somewhere. When I am able to get him to leave, he is focused entirely on returning home as quickly as possible.

His primary interests are animating videos and playing video games. The animation setup requires a significant amount of electricity, which has caused our utility costs to become unmanageable. Despite attempts to set limits or boundaries, those limits are routinely ignored—especially while I am at work or sleeping due to my long shifts.

I work 12-hour shifts and spend most of my time outside of work trying to recover enough to function. When I come home, the house is often in disarray. He prepares food for himself but rarely cleans up afterward. He does not participate in household responsibilities such as dishes, laundry, or cleaning litter boxes, which leaves the burden entirely on me.

I also have celiac disease, which makes food significantly more expensive and medically necessary. I make an effort to provide him with the foods he prefers, but when I ask that certain items be left for me—especially specialty foods that are difficult to obtain—those requests are ignored. Even food I keep in my private space is taken and consumed. This has left me feeling invisible and depleted.

I feel as though I work continuously to maintain a household that I do not get to benefit from. I am financially strained, emotionally exhausted, and deeply burned out. I have no savings, no retirement cushion, and no margin for emergencies because nearly all of my resources are going toward supporting my son.

I have explored therapy options, including online therapy that we could do together, but he has refused to participate. While others suggest that I force him out, I know that he cannot survive independently in the way neurotypical adults can, and I am deeply concerned about his safety and mental health.

I am not trying to abandon my child. I am trying to survive while continuing to care for him. What I need is support, structure, and realistic solutions—because I cannot continue like this without breaking.