Just a list of things

Roughly listed from earliest to latest:

• Almost suffocated me while breastfeeding (I turned purple). My dad found us and communicated to me later in life

• Left a glass of wine unattended, which I drank entirely as an infant

• I drifted out to sea on a floaty while on a cruise, also as an infant. My grandma realized and got help.

• Regularly waited hours to be picked up after school, sometimes after dark

• Stopped taking me to my sport on Sundays because it was inconvenient. Instead I started attending her AA meetings with her.

• Would take me places after school and keep me in a hot car for hours. Two times I thought I’d literally die. We live in a hot climate.

• Praised and encouraged my friends I’d have over for things I enjoyed doing

• Insisted on picking at my skin, literally straddling me with a sharp object. She delighted when I’d complain and bragged to others.

• Insisted on plucking my eyebrows

• Bleach my hair to look more like hers

• Slapped me when I tried to go into her home office because I disturbed her. I was crying and upset.

• Made sure I had tutors and caretakers, never participated in any of my school activities

• Dragged me all over the place to see alternative doctors to treat my illnesses instead of giving me relief (psoriasis, chronic migraines, then depression)

• Encouraged a boyfriend who was four years my senior was I was 12, put me on birth control

• Encouraged (and still speaks fondly of) a boyfriend who was eight years my senior when I was 15

• Didn’t believe me when I told her a therapist touched my inner thigh

• Completely mismanaged my school records. My pretty good IB scores turned into a 2.3 average.

• Only gave me $10 a day to pay for gas and food in high school (California). I drove a 1995 ford pickup truck.

• Called the police on me and kicked me out final semester of high school to a different state, I almost didn’t graduate

After high school we didn’t speak much. At 20 I decided to go to community college. Two years later, I got a scholarship and transferred to a good state school:

• She didn’t attend my graduation, nor did she call

Few years later when I was about to graduate from my masters program, which coincided closely with my birthday, she visited me:

• Attended my masters graduation but left during without notice. I couldn’t find her when I left the stadium. No messages, no calls. When I finally got a hold of her, she said the fireworks disturbed her

• Insisted we go shop at Lowe’s or whatever the fuck on my birthday for something she needed while I was test driving a car?? lol Then didn’t attend my birthday party or dinner because I didnt let her shop and she needed to do that instead :)

Didn’t talk for a couple more years, then:

• Went to a remote country to do ayahuasca alone, called me in distress. I took off work and left the next day to be with her. On that trip she let herself drift out to sea to a point I couldn’t see her anymore. I swam out and called for help. Nonstop sobbing from her for hours after.

• When we returned to my house and she literally screamed bloody mary on the street, throwing all her things all over the road in a quiet neighborhood

Sigh, I could go on but we’re only 2/3rds the way through. Kinda nice to see it all written out.