AITA for refusing to provide emotional support after my partner excluded me from meeting her newly discovered biological family?

I (50F) have been with my partner (48F) for 15 years. We live together and help care for my elderly parents. Our relationship has already been strained for a while, with emotional distance and very little intimacy.

Just before Christmas, my partner discovered and connected with her biological father and paternal family through Facebook. She had never met her father growing up and was told her whole life by her maternal family that her paternal side didn’t want her. She recently learned that wasn’t true, which I understand is deeply emotional and validating.

What I’m struggling with is how fast and intense everything became.

There was daily communication with her father and siblings, very emotionally charged conversations, care packages, and immediate plans to visit. This isn’t just her father. It’s an extensive family (nine siblings), and the plan is to meet everyone at once. She talks about wanting to “touch him and hold him” and feel his presence, and it feels like this reunion has become the emotional center of her world very quickly.

She also has significant childhood sexual trauma from her maternal family and views this reunion as something that will finally heal that pain. I’m not dismissing that hope, but I’ve felt myself slowly pushed aside as this has escalated.

I asked for:

• A slower, more measured pace
• To be included as her partner, especially for first meetings
• Not to be put in a “you’ll hear about it later” role while still being expected to give full emotional support
• Mutual decision-making when actions affect both of us, especially when we live together, and our lives are intertwined.

At first, she said she wanted me there and that we’d meet her father first, then the siblings at a later visit. Then it changed after I expressed my concerns. She told me she didn’t want me there at all because my presence would “ruin it” or make her worry about boundaries or my comfort, and she wanted to meet everyone all at once.

There’s also a complicated backstory. Her mother was 15 when she became pregnant, and her father was 28. Given my partner’s trauma history, that adds to my concern about how idealized and fast this reunion has become.

Last night, she informed me, not discussed, that she’s flying out tomorrow to meet them (they’re in Ohio; we’re in Florida). What made this especially painful is that I have a surgical consultation tomorrow that’s been scheduled for months, and she had previously planned to attend until this trip suddenly took priority.

After announcing the trip, she asked for “partner support,” meaning she would "report back" to me afterward and wanted emotional reassurance. I said I can’t take on a reporting role. I wanted to be included and present every step of the way. I can’t provide emotional support while being excluded from the process. I’m not trying to stop her. I’m saying I can’t be sidelined and still be expected to emotionally carry this.

She says I’m being controlling. I see it as a boundary. I can’t be reduced to a bystander in my own relationship while still being expected to function as emotional support.

She left this morning, and I did end up having the eye procedure because the doctor felt it was important to do it right away. I was alone for the procedure and didn’t have a driver, but I made it home safely. Emotionally, it was a hard day, and I feel alone.

So, AITA for refusing to provide emotional support when I was explicitly excluded from the experience and the decision-making process? I’m trying to understand whether this is a trauma-driven dynamic/incompatibility or something a relationship can realistically survive.