I have always felt alone

I know it’s because of the way I grew up. No one was safe. I lived with an abusive mom. My dad is out of the picture. My sister and older brother were the only ones that understood but they moved out as soon as they could. I was stuck with her for years. They are adults and living their own lives. I can’t go to someone consistently. I will not make someone my therapist. I can’t fully open up about how heavy this weight is because I am viewed differently. It is inevitable. I have been to therapy a few years ago. It helped me understand how to cope with panic attacks and deal with day to day life with extreme anxiety. But now it’s just my mind. Positive thoughts don’t change the reality of things. I don’t hate myself. But I feel so fucking alone. I feel out of place talking or opening up to anyone. They view you with pity or say maybe you should talk to a therapist, but for me that has never solved the inability to fully connect to others. To stop feeling the hyper awareness and self criticism. To feel out of place in every group setting. To feel like you are never expressing yourself properly. I am very timid with people to the point they act like I am not as aware of situations as I truly am. I have very bad ADHD and struggle with being constantly forgetful and aloof. I know that people see me in this way. I play it off as a joke around others and use humor to deflect it. But it is a genuine struggle. I am constantly thinking, my brain does not turn off. I am often in my own mind instead of being fully connected to reality. It feels safer there. But I am evaluating everything constantly. I feel very misunderstood and unseen by others, even by my friends who care for me the most. I can’t shake the feeling of being alone.

I was kicked out of my mom’s house because her boyfriend attacked me. He went to jail and she told me I was not welcome back. She kept my social security card and all of my important documents. I was already thinking about the military, and after getting kicked out I knew I had to. I had no other choice. I graduated high school and my mom would not help me get my life together to be independent. My dad who is living in another state would not let me stay with him. I stayed with two different friends until one of my other friends said I could live with them until I left for bootcamp. I am very grateful, but we ended up having issues after 6 months. It was amazing being with them and I felt like my friend’s mom became a mother figure to me. She helped me order all the documents I needed to work and to enlist. I got my first job living with them. But then things started changing… I got a new boyfriend and spent a lot of time with him, and I had two days off a week. I would split it between being with him and my friends. My friend who I lived with felt entitled to my time. She was an only child. They started treating me differently. I lived in a tiny spare room they had, when my friend originally had two rooms to herself. It was very cramped and when I got ready in the morning, even after cleaning it, clothes would be out and she would come in and tell me to clean up. The crazy thing is my space was much cleaner than hers considering she had food everywhere and clothes. The room I stayed in was probably a 10x10 ft space, and fitting everything I owned in there was hard. They started treating me like a burden. I did the dishes every day, and would only eat their leftovers. I was working until night and came back when everyone was sleeping and stay in that room, then repeat the next day. My friend hated my boyfriend and wanted me to break up with him. Her mom started disrespecting me and treating me like a burden as well as my friend. It started over a simple mistake. My curfew is 10 PM, and one night I came in an hour after because my boyfriend said he was leaving to a different state and that would be my last time seeing him because I would be in bootcamp by then. I was going to have a sleepover somewhere else and stayed with him the whole night instead because of what he told me. I had work so I decided to come back, but I was locked out and had to knock and it disturbed them awake to open the door (I’m not sure if they intentionally locked it because I have the code to come inside. The bottom handle was locked). This was a ONE TIME mistake that never happened again, and my friends mom threatened to kick me out if it happened again. Everything became a nightmare. The people I thought I could trust and be vulnerable with turned out to be a lie. They never understood how I felt or have gone through anything remotely close. No matter how respectful I was to them, or how many chores I offered to do, it was never enough. I felt like a parasite around them, even though my dad sent them money to take care of my needs (that’s all he knows what to do). I can go into so much more detail but eventually she kicked me out. I had to pack for bootcamp, and she told me to do it the day my friend came from another state to visit me before I left was getting there. I told her no, and that I was going after the visit and I knew everything I had to get. It was still over a week before I left, and I was going to do it with my boyfriend in a few days. I didn’t need much (or anything) because they give you necessities when you get there, and I knew that. After I said I was planning on another day, she gets mad. She comes into the room and tells me, “You stress me out and I want you gone”. I packed all my shit that day and stayed with my grandma until I shipped out (she was not an option to live with in the beginning) The micromanagement was horrible. And I felt like I could never say anything about the disrespect because they were taking care of my basic needs because I was homeless. It reinforced the fact that I really was misunderstood by the people around me, and that people can hear your story and feel bad but never truly get how it is.

Now, I have been in for at least 9 months. My friends who helped take care of me at my lowest, who were my world, feel so distant. We are all living separate lives. We went from speaking every day to every few weeks. I am away from everyone. And now I feel like i’m back to square one. I was lucky finding genuine people, but it took years. I’ve been in for this long and have not found a close friend to truly open up to. It is very hard. I feel like I do not have anyone anymore. Even when I got to visit them during Christmas, I felt even more disconnected and alone. They are the only true friends I have and now we live separate lives. I feel deeply lonely. And even if I communicate this no one will be able to fully relate or understand it. Now it feels inappropriate to start confiding in them in the same way when I lived there. They are both busy with their lives, and I am busy with mine. I have had this heavy feeling for such a long time, surrounded by people or not. Joining made it worse. I am grateful to start a career and have my needs taken care of, but I don’t think I will ever stop feeling alone.