17, living with trauma, relying on school to escape, terrified of burning out and failing

I’m 17 and I feel like my entire future depends on me holding myself together long enough to get out.

When I was younger, something traumatic happened involving my brother. He still lives with me. My mom is aware of the situation, but I’ve never been able to talk about it in detail. I have nightmares every single night and they haven’t stopped for years. I’m exhausted all the time, anxious, and constantly on edge, but I still live in the same house where everything happened.

I’ve asked my mom for therapy three times over the past two years. Every time, she tells me that if I want therapy, I have to explain exactly what happened. I can’t do that. Part of it is that reliving it feels unbearable, but another part is that saying it out loud feels like I’m telling her she failed as a parent. Like I’m accusing her, hurting her, or putting the blame on her. I don’t want to do that, even though I’m the one suffering.

My plan has been to survive by doing well in school, getting scholarships, and leaving for college. Academics feel like my only way out. I am doing well in school I’m even taking college classes but the pressure is intense. It feels like I’m not allowed to struggle or slow down. Like if I fail even once, I’m stuck here forever.

I go through periods of extreme low motivation where everything feels heavy and impossible. I know what I need to do, I know what’s at stake, and I still feel completely empty and exhausted. It scares me because I’m afraid one bad period could undo everything I’ve worked for.

I don’t know how to balance living with unresolved trauma, being denied help, and carrying the weight of my entire future on my grades. I don’t know how to keep pushing without burning out.

How do you keep going when your escape plan depends on you never falling apart?
What options does someone my age have when a parent won’t get them mental health help?
Has anyone been through something like this and made it out?

Thank you for reading.