How do I tell my mom I don’t want my child and husband around my autistic older brother?

Hi! I’m sorry if this isn’t the right place to post this, I’m just trying to find someone who may have been through something similar.

So, my mom is coming into town to visit my brother. Her visits always revolve around him and she’ll just throw out an invite if I’m available. The only time in the past 13 years she’s come to visit me was to meet my daughter a few months after she was born. But, I guess I just always hope someday I can have a good relationship with her so I keep trying. Anyways….

She just told me she’s coming into town next month and is planning on doing a cookout at her air bnb and wants me to bring my family. The problem with this? My family has never met my brother. She’s tried to pressure me into bringing my husband over to meet him over the past few years, but I feel that’s a part of my life I don’t want to mix with anyone else.

I say this because I have a horrible relationship with my brother (and mother quite frankly). He’s non verbal, physically and sexually violent, much bigger and stronger than me, and I have panic attacks just thinking about having to be around him. Growing up, he would go out of his way to hit me when all I wanted was to stay out of his way. Then when puberty hit, he would constantly be looking under my door, using anything to unlock the bathroom door when I would shower, always try to shove his hand down my clothes, etc. I would scream at him or hit him but my mom would tear into me about how he doesn’t know better or mean anything by it. Needless to say that’s where my anxiety around him started. He’s now 6ft 5in and over 300lbs, while I’m only 5ft 7in, so he can easily overpower me.

Every time I went over to visit the past few years he would go out of his way to try and grope me. My mom would just shrug her shoulders or gently tell him “no”. He does it to her constantly too and all she does is swat at his hand or act like he’s being silly. And she’s only 5ft so it scares me to know what happens when it’s just them two alone. I know he’s punched her a few times in the face when I was younger.

With all that background, that’s why I don’t want my husband to come over and be around that. I can’t expect my husband to just sit there quietly while I’m trying to fend off my brother. It’s humiliating to me and I don’t want my husband to see me in that situation, and I know my husband would get physical towards my brother the first time he tries anything.

In spite of my better judgement, I went over for a visit when I was two months postpartum while my husband was at work. I brought my baby so she could spend time with my mom and put her in a pool for the first time. I purposely wore a T shirt and long gym shorts to hopefully not catch my brother’s attention. My brother jumps in the pool and is staring at me and I get a gut feeling I need to get away. So I grab my baby and get out of the pool and before I can even get to the door my brother jumps out of the pool, runs over, and starts trying to grab me. I have my baby in one arm and I shove him AS HARD AS I POSSIBLY CAN, and he doesn’t budge and inch and tries it again. I kicked him and he just looks at me and I run into the house and lock myself in a bedroom. My mom was in the bathroom during this exchange. I change myself and baby into dry clothes and just tell my mom baby is tired and I have to go home. I cried the whole way home and it of course infuriates my husband that I had to go through that.

My problem though is I don’t want to bring my family there next month but don’t know how to tell my mom because she literally does not understand why it upsets me since “he doesn’t understand what he’s doing”. On top of that my brother is super loud with all the noises he makes, and also runs all throughout the space and gets inches away from people’s faces with can be uncomfortable for most people. My daughter is walking now too so I can’t just hold onto her the whole time I’m there because she’ll fight to get down, but I don’t want to risk her getting ran over by him, or worse he ever tries to put his hands on her because I will lose my mind if that happens.

Thanks for those who read this far. I’m just already freaking out at the thought of even going alone but I don’t even know how to set a boundary that I’m not being my family around him as I know it will mean my mom will disown me. Idk if anyone else has been through anything similar and how they navigated it? Or if anyone has any advice or even kind words would be appreciated ❤️‍🩹