What do you guys think

For 2 years now I developed this anxiety depression that comes and goes. When I finally feel like I'm gonna be ok it's the best I've ever felt. Then it hits me.ive tried therapy but weirdly enough it's not for me. Things have been hard in life in many different aspects and I'm just so exhausted mentally. My thing is that I don't want to die I really really don't. But sometimes I think what would it be like if I wasn't here? How would it affect everyone? Would I still feel this in the other realm or wherever the soul goes if there is an afterlife? But honestly and I hate saying this the only thing that keeps me going is my kids. Goodness I hate myself for how I feel and not being 200% present for my kids. I wouldn't leave them like that. Helll nooo. I love them beyond anything and beyond what I feel inside. Plus that would leave them to do what my husband wants and the way he would lead there life if I wasn't around I just don't like it. I know I'm horrible for thinking that. I'm so exhausted to think. To breath. to exist. But I'm trying. For my kids I am fighting

How have you guys overcome feelings like this or what do you guys recommend