It gets better.

I joined this group and after one year now, I can confidently say that it got better. I know POTS is a spectrum and the severity of it varies, but please don’t feel discouraged by all the fear and hopelessness that we get surrounded by when we get sick. If you see my past post in the group, I am a major hypochondriac after developing this, and I thought I lost my independence and autonomy. I lost my hope and faith and spiraled like I never did before. I already battled with OCD, so the mental aspect of the sickness sucked every ounce of life out of me. Panic disorder, extreme thanatophobia, and every anxiety disorder in the book, major depression, etc.

But I wanted to write this message because I received new comments on my old post, and I just want to tell these scared people that it gets better. I work and study full time, I live alone, and I’m the only one responsible for myself in all the ways possible after having to have assistance for showering and having to use my dad’s cane to walk everywhere. What I’m trying to say here is no worries even if you cannot do any of those things; that is not what means you are okay or better. But letting go a little bit of the fear, after intense psychiatric treatment and fucking trusting my body, I was able to do it with the tachycardia, the chest pain, the shortness of breath, the tight chest, and everything in between.

I eat junk food, drink alcohol, have sex, not get enough sleep, go on trips, spend so much time on my feet, dancing and doing silly things. I do it scared, I do it tired, I do it sick. I know we often talk about not pushing our bodies, but if that meant I can live my life again, I prefer to have tachycardia while having fun and a fulfilling life than just laying down and miserable, as it’s the same fucking tachycardia and chest pain. Your heart is okay, you will be fine. Get the tests, go to the ER, and do it as many times as necessary until you can actually believe it. This comes from someone that went to the ER every single day for months. I still have severe chest pain every day, that fuck-ass tachycardia never goes away, but it’s so irrelevant to me that most of the time I forget it. Do it with the cane, do it on the bed laying down, do it drinking electrolytes, do it with a helmet in case you faint, do it with the chest pain, do it with the tachycardia, do it even knowing you will crash after you do it because you will recover, even if you do it slowly. You won’t die. You will feel ill and it’s horrible, but hey, at least you did it.

It took me six months and lots of medication and therapy, and very strong support from family and friends to get through it. I still fear for my life, cry, and pray sometimes, but I know I will be okay, and you will be okay too, my darling.