done with life...again

I don't know if this should go in r/suicidewatch or this but fuck....I can't believe I'm thinking about painting my walls with a bright red coat of paint...Jesus...I asked this girl out who I've been talking to for about three to four months and she says she's not ready and her schedule is too busy. I'm just done....I have nothing to live for...even though I'm going to be 18 this year. I just feel like a worthless piece of shit who doesn't deserve anything. I'm lonely and I always think I'm ugly, I think I'm unloved. I can't keep these thoughts out of my head and I don't know what to do