Looking for feedback on emotional impact and character portrayal (dark fantasy scene)

Hi this is a single dramatic scene from a longer dark fantasy story I’ve been working on for a long time.

I’m mainly looking for feedback on emotional impact character portrayal clarity and flow

I’m not focused on grammar corrections unless something is confusing or breaks immersion.

The scene is meant to stand on its own without full context.

Thank you for reading.

After a brutal battle against Behemoth, Cristel and Rupícola lay on the ground.

He was unconscious. She was too badly injured, without the strength to even stand.

Behemoth, staggering yet still alive, prepared to finish them off.

But before he could reach them, Selene appeared. She intercepted him with a final surge of strength.

Her strike—precise and empowered—carved a deep gash from his chest up to his neck.

The beast staggered.

And fell.

Silence followed instantly.

Only Selene’s harsh breathing broke the air. The wind dragged dust and debris around her.

Cristel watched from the ground, unable to take her eyes off her.

She had done it.

Selene had defeated him.

Something weak flickered in her chest. A small, fragile thought—but real.

Maybe…

Selene took a step.

Then another.

Her legs gave out.

She collapsed to her knees first. Then completely. Gasping. Trembling. Blood soaking her clothes.

Cristel began to crawl toward her. Every movement was punishment. Her body burned—but she kept going.

“Y-you’re… incredible… Selene…”

Selene didn’t look up.

Her eyes were dull, unfocused. There was no sadness. Only a fatigue so deep it felt hollow.

Then, a sound.

Heavy. Uneven.

Cristel lost her breath.

Something moved behind Selene.

The ground cracked.

Behemoth braced one hand against the earth. Then the other. His neck wound was still open, bleeding. Even so, he held himself up.

He rose slowly.

He didn’t advance.

He only lifted his head.

And looked at them.

Selene raised her gaze.

She saw him.

Air stopped filling her lungs properly.

Short breaths. Chaotic.

She dug her fists into the ground, as if trying to anchor herself.

She tried to regulate her breathing. Count it. Force calm where none remained.

Her chest shook.

She had made it this far.

She had given everything.

And still—

Behemoth remained standing.

Selene swallowed.

The trembling spread through her arms.

Something gave way.

Not all at once.

First, the stiffness.

Then, the air trapped in her throat.

And then she screamed.

It wasn’t a long scream.

It was abrupt. Broken. As if something tore apart inside her.

Then came the sobbing.

“What was the point… of all this…?”

Her voice came out shattered, barely recognizable.

“I wanted to help… I wanted my city to move forward…” Her words collided with each other.

“And still… still I wasn’t enough…”

She clenched her fists too hard.

Blood began to seep from her palms.

“I wanted to be stronger…” Her voice rose, trembling.

“I trained until I couldn’t anymore… and even that wasn’t enough…”

Tears fell uncontrollably.

“I always… always needed someone else to come save what I couldn’t…”

She covered her face.

“Helene…” The name broke her voice.

“She’s getting worse every day… and I still can’t do anything…”

Her crying became erratic. Uncontrolled.

“What am I even supposed to have achieved…?”

She couldn’t hold it anymore.

“NOTHING!”

The scream came from the deepest part of her.

“NOTHING! NOTHING!”

There was no pause. No breath between words.

Everything she had been holding back burst out at once.

Her body shook violently.

“…I’m nothing…”

Cristel stared, unable to understand.

That person—the one who always stood back up. The one who took care of everyone. The one who kept going even when nothing remained.

That person was right in front of her, coming apart.

Something burned in Cristel’s chest. Pain. Rage. A desperate urge to stop it.

She wanted to tell her to shut up.

She wanted to scream that she was wrong.

Her body didn’t respond.

She only trembled.

And cried.

Behemoth advanced.

He stopped in front of Selene.

Extended his hand.

He lifted her effortlessly, gripping her by the head. The pressure was immediate. Precise.

Selene didn’t resist.

Tears kept falling, but there was no strength left in her crying.

Her body hung limp.

“I’m not brave…”

“Not strong…”

“Not any of that…”

She closed her eyes.

“I don’t want to die…”

Her voice barely existed.

“I’m scared…”

Cristel felt her chest collapse.

She tried to scream.

Tried to move.

A faint glow appeared before her—and vanished.

Nothing.

Behemoth closed his fist.

Cristel’s attempt shattered instantly.

There was a sound.

Short. Final.

Something broke inside her.

She didn’t scream.

The sound that escaped her throat was unrecognizable.

Her body folded in on itself. Her vision blurred.

Hatred. Fear. Emptiness.

The monster’s shadow fell over her.

Pressure closed around her head.

Do it, she thought.

End this.

The blow never came.

A thunderous crash shook the ground.

When she opened her eyes, Behemoth was dead.