I cheated on my husband

Obligatory throwaway for obvious reasons.

My husband and I have been for together for 10 years. We’ve had a lot of ups and serious downs along the way. Over the last couple of years we’ve turned a corner and have never been happier. Our relationship is great, we fully trust each other and have real maturity in our communication, and have a strong healthy relationship in general. The piece that’s not been super in our relationship for years is our sex life. I’ve been on medication that puts my libido at practically zero. I never think about sex or want it, and that put a strain on our relationship for a long time. Whenever we do have sex, it’s fantastic and we’re both satisfied. We’ve been having more sex in the last 6 months than we have in years, so things are turning around there, and we’re happy with it.

I recently started going back to therapy to work on myself and other aspects of my life that are affected because of my very low self esteem and self worth. I’m in my 30s and objectively not a physically attractive woman. I never get hit on, not now, not ever. I have lots of male friends and I’m seen as the funny one. You can probably get the picture. I feel very relaxed around men because I know they’re not attracted to me, so I can always be myself. I’m also very happy in my relationship, so not looking to attract anyone. Just genuinely enjoy the banter.

Recently I was away for work and went for drinks after work one of the evenings with my colleagues, who are mostly men. When we all got back to the hotel, we had a drink before bed and said our goodnights. That’s when one of my close colleagues, and good friend texted me. We both had too much to drink and couldn’t sleep so were just chatting back and forth. He asked if I wanted to go for a smoke outside the hotel. Being a smoker when I drink, I decided to meet him for one last cigarette to put me to sleep. We were standing outside chatting and I noticed he was standing a bit closer to me than normal and looking at me in a different way. We finished our cigarettes and went back to our rooms. Then he texted me again. I could tell he wanted to keep the conversation going, it was shit talk. I was still wide awake, always struggling to sleep when I’ve been drinking. So we texted back and forth. We got onto a topic about some sensitive work gossip and I told him I’d tell him another time, I couldn’t put it in writing. He asked would I come to his room now, he wanted to hear it. I said I was going to try and get some sleep, but then he called me. He asked me to come to his room for tea gossip.

He’s married, and so am I. Nothing untoward would ever cross my mind, we’re mates and no one has ever come onto me before (besides my husband), so this all felt innocent. I said fuck it and showed up at his room for tea. We sat and chatted for a bit and I was reading the signs that he was getting ready for bed so I made my way to the door. He said “we trust each other, right?”. Yeah, obviously. Our jobs kind of rely on each other so we need to have a solid working relationship and trust each other. He said “you know this is flirting, right?” I was so taken aback I just laughed and said goodnight, going towards the door. He grabbed my hand and looked me in the eyes and said that he really respects our relationship and trusts me completely. That nothing bad will come of anything. I was honestly so shocked that I didn’t know what to do with myself. I’m in my 30s and haven’t ever really been hit on. This felt really alien and weird, but there was this part of me inside that came alive. I felt wanted and seen, even though I knew it was just the moment and the circumstances. If any other woman was available in that moment, I wouldn’t be the choice. I knew this. But something just felt warm inside me. Excited. Even writing that makes me feel gross…

He pulled me in and I hugged him, then he touched my face, leaned in… and we kissed. Passionately. He pulled his shirt off and I could feel his warm skin. He was taking his belt off and then he started to pull my sweater up and that’s when I snapped back to reality. I’m self conscious about my body in a sexual way. I don’t really give a fuck, because I know my husband loves me and I don’t have to prove anything to anyone, so I’m comfortable with my husband. I go swimming with my colleagues often so we’ve seen each other in bathing suits, and I’m fairly confident in the “not giving a fuck” sense. But my mind started racing and I was picturing what these next moments were going to unfold into. We were about to have sex and he was about to see and feel my naked body. I haven’t slept with anyone else in 10 years.

I pulled back, said I couldn’t do it and apologised. He said it was fine and it was completely my call. That’s when I turned back and kissed him again. It was so passionate and just pure lust. But the terror of my own insecurities and my integrity bubbled up in another snap of soberness. I pulled away, and left the room. When I got back into my room, he called me. He said we’re both adults and whatever decisions we make stay between us. He said we’re both mentally strong people and wouldn’t let any of this affect anything. I told him that there’s no going back from this. I told him to think with the head on his shoulders for a minute and in the cold light of day this will feel different. I think I wanted him to explicitly say he was attracted to me. He asked me if I wasn’t feeling the same way, meaning horny. He told me I made him hard. I told him I’m human and the temptation is there but I just can’t. Admitting that feels horrible. I can’t believe that I was tempted. He asked once more if I was sure about my decision, and not inviting him to my room. I told him I was sure and to enjoy himself. He hinted at showing me but I told him I was tired and really needed to try and sleep. I said goodnight and ended the call.

I know in reality he was drunk and super horny. It didn’t matter to him where he put his dick, he just needed to put it somewhere. I was also drunk but I was lucid enough to know what I was doing. We both knew what we were doing. I felt wanted and excited about this private moment. I fucked up massively.

A few hours of terrible sleep later and we’re sitting at breakfast together with the rest of our colleagues, as if nothing happened. We had to spend the day working together like nothing happened.

My heart has been racing with anxiety and the guilt is eating me alive since. I know I won’t ever do this again. It’s been the worst lesson I’ve ever learned.

I came straight home from my trip and had sex with my husband...

I can’t believe this happened. I’m not the cheating type. I’ve always hated cheaters and think they’re total scum. I never planned for anything like this to happen, I’ve never had a sexual or romantic thought about another person since I first started dating my husband. I’m not removing any blame from myself, it wasn’t a “he kissed me and I pulled away” thing. I engaged. We were both guilty. I’m relieved it didn’t actually go further than what it did. I don’t think I could live with myself if it went beyond a kiss.

I have an excellent job that’s very high power. I’ve worked hard for it and love it. Leaving my job isn’t an option.

I can’t help but feel weird about this situation now with my colleague too. But that’s the price I need to pay and made that choice so will deal with the consequences of it.

I trust myself to never do it again but if I tell my husband, it would destroy him. Even if we somehow work through things, I travel a lot for work and I know it would eat him up every time I’m away, worrying if I’m cheating again. So I can’t ever tell him what happened. He would be hurt, of course about what happened but the pain and worry he’d have forever more would be completely unfair to put on him.

I guess I’m in shock and feeling debilitating guilt. I can’t keep a secret this big inside me, so I’m posting it here in hopes of alleviating some of the pressure.

I don’t expect anyone to have any sympathy for me. To anyone who has cheated, what did you do afterwards? Did you tell your significant other?