Suicidal

Hey so I don’t really look or ask for help that often but this might be my only post. Each day I feel suicidal and the thoughts and planning happens for 2 hours before I get better or distracted or I get triggered into more thoughts of suicide. I don’t really know how I would do it. I have many ways both simple and quick. It’s scary though because I don’t want to leave this world but for 5 years I’ve been not fully happy. Antidepressants make me feel numb and they affect sex life so I can’t get back on them. I have a bf and a family who loves me. I told my bf about how I’m feeling but I fear that he’s going through his own demons. I don’t really know what to do here. I sorta like the depression and quiet. I’ve been like that a lot in my life. It feels comforting and like home but if I stay like this I don’t think I’ll be alive anymore. You don’t have to help or give advice if you don’t want to. I understand