Relationship woes

Context: 24M and 21F long distance relationship, my girlfriend is from Brazil and I live in the USA. She’s an Au Pair living near the DC area, we’ve been together for two months but we’ve know each other for 8 months.

Every time I talk to her on the phone it seems the possibility of us being together in the future gets worse and worse, I feel as if she has one foot out the door and I’m trying to pull her back in. I feel everything I have done for her and said to her has been in vain. I feel so hopeless, she’s making a decision on whether to stay in American or pursue her plans to live in Europe and travel abroad. I can’t explain the connection we share, but it’s felt otherworldly, I’ve never felt so close to another human being and she has told me the same. But if she feels the same way I do, why won’t she be with me? I told her I’m willing to give her the world and more, I make great money at 24 and I’m in a fantastic spot to do what I want when I want. I’ve told her countless times that we can travel as much as she’d like, but it’s all in vain. She told me last night on the phone “I feel like myself again when I think of my original goals and plans, the plans I had before I met you” and this hit me like a Mack truck going 100mph. She hasn’t come to a decision but I feel this was a subconscious slip up on her part as to what she’s already thinking.

I feel not worthy of love

I feel not worthy of a relationship

I feel cursed

I wrote this in my journal 10 minutes ago

“I feel no matter what comes into my life relationship wise I will still be left with the same feeling I had when Anna (fake name) told me she was leaving Ohio to go to college far away. A feeling of hopelessness and fear I know all too well.

It starts in my stomach and then my legs turn cold, then I get a sick feeling and finally my facial expression smears. I think of all the possibilities I could have had with this person and watch them all fade away into nothing.

Positive thoughts turn into negatives until I am left with the painstakingly cold reality that I am once again out of love in this world and I don’t know if/when I will every get to feel the true feelings of happiness and love ever in my life.

I just hope it works out

I’m so tired”

If you made it this far, thanks for reading, I’ll answer all questions if there are any. I can add context if needed, I just wanted to type this out so someone can know what my mind is like at the moment.