I'm the sickest person I've ever met

I'm not even exaggerating either and given how often I've been to the mental hospital I have met just about anyone too. With most of them you can tell they'll get better eventually, but nobody would ever think that when looking at me. Not even my therapists believe it. They don't even know what to do with me anymore, no therapy has worked for me. The meds don't work to the extent they should no matter how much they experiment on me. Even after having 4+ diagnosis they're still not even entirely sure what's wrong with me. My head is so messy I don't blame them. I've done so much bad shit I can't even come back from that. Everyone has already written me off as someone to be scared of or disgusted by.

The most ridiculous part is that I know mfs who don't even wanna get better and who refuse therapy and everything meanwhile I do wanna be normal more than anyone else and I'm trying so fucking hard every day but it's not worth shit. I don't think I can be fixed. My brain is so fucked up, I probably need a lobotomy or something. And it's literally not even my fault. I never drink, smoke, take drugs or do anything like that. I have like 500 different hobbies. I'm smart and I would excel academically if it wasn't for this and I have so many ambitions. I love life and I'm easy to make happy.

But then there's all this shit in my head and I just can't function. I was a really nice and well behaved and likable little kid. And then all this shit happens and I'm turned into an aggressive, violent, unhinged, unempathetic, gross, dumb, miserable, crazy piece of shit. The worst part is that I'm still aware of myself and all the shame and the way people think of me. If I've already lost my mind then why can't I at least lose it fully.