Help needed

I’ve been doing ERP since November and haven’t noticed any improvement. I keep comparing timelines and have realized that this started before my mega spiral occurred but that also worries me because it’s like that could’ve just been a sign and this is all my truth. I’ve been numb for months and I just want to go back to the person I used to be I’m in so much pain all of the time and feel disconnected from everyone and everything literally nothing brings me joy. My medication isn’t helping which I knew it wasn’t going to because meds have never worked on me. I’m so worried there is no other side and I’m going to be stuck like this forever. Everything’s flat and I either cry or feel nothing I just want my love back. How can this be happening for so long with no improvements. I’m so scared this is my truth but there’s other times where I don’t even care if it is. I think about our old memories and falling in love and cry because I miss that. He’s the first thing that’s brought me a sense of happiness in years and now it’s all gone. My dreams are horrible and I never feel any relief.