Feeling so helpless and insignificant

It doesn’t matter how much I want it, I can’t have it, I can’t even have the tiniest edge unless I have permission.

It’s only been a week so far, out of the whole year I hope to do at minimum. It’s dawned on me that if I want ANYTHING at all I’m going to have to earn it somehow.

It feels so humiliating that I have to do this, that I can’t just get over it and have an edge on my own. No, instead I have to go on here and beg to humiliate myself even further.

I hate that I just exist to be laughed at and bullied now, I didn’t realise that’s what I signed up for, but I’m so desperate that it makes me wet!