I wish you were different

I hate the woman you’ve become. I hate that you’ve created a reality where you don’t remember what you did to me growing up. I know you’re mentally unwell mom. I miss you though. The mom I had when I was 4, before I caught you with another man and told dad, thinking you were just having a play date with a friend. You’ve hated me since I ruined your marriage, when in reality I just told dad the truth he already knew.

I wish I could tell you about my daughter and how great she’s doing. I wish I could share my good days of motherhood with you. I wish I could share the days I struggle with it. I wish I could introduce you to my fiancé, and that I could tell you we’re expecting. I hate that any time I told you what I experienced due to your drug abuse after the divorce that you would just acknowledge it, instead of just telling me “I’m sorry for what you think I did”. I don’t know what it means to have your mom as your best friend but I wish I did. My heart aches for you all the time. But my daughter is now the age I was when I experienced my first SA due to your actions. To your negligence. And I try to imagine what I’d say or feel if my daughter came to me and told me someone I trusted had ab*sed her. But I can never imagine blaming her like you blamed me. There isn’t a day that goes by that I don’t wonder where you are or if you’re okay. But I can’t let you back in my life. I’ll always ache for the mom I should have had. I wish you were different.