Ive relapsed

I dont know exactly what I want to say here.

I used to daydream for the majority of the day. Upwards of 6 hours pacing and listening to music, then another 6-8 on the couch, in bed, etc. I was up until 2 am pacing until I limped. I started this at 14 years old, and continued until I was 25.

I got meds for depression and anxiety. I had a baby, and during the pregnancy the daydreaming faded. I just didnt want to anymore. I considered myself cured. On occasion I would have a dream that was adjacent to my daydreams, and I enjoyed them (and maybe continued the dream in bed if kiddo slept in a bit )

Recently things have been hard. My mother (who lives with me, I am her live-in caretaker) and I got into a huge fight over nothing (she instigated it) We made up the next day. Money has been tight and I had to borrow $300 from my brother to make rent. This paycheck came in skimpy, so I am still in survival mode. I couldnt afford any of my meds.

And its come back, in a big way. I have a toddler now, so I can only pace while he sleeps, but I end up staying up until 2 am and waking up 5 hours later exhausted.

I figure this is because of my meds being missed and all the extra stress, but I am upset. I feel like an addict, relapsing. The daydreams make me feel so much better, and I feel like im just waiting for my son to go to sleep so I can do it again.

I feel so immature for letting this happen, but I also have no motivation to make it stop. I dont see the point, especially if starting meds again will probably fix it. I am trying to get as much done during the day as I can so I am not neglecting the household while I pace.

I have a lot of mixed feelings, I dont know. Guilt, excitement, nostalgia, frustration.