[1017] Veins of Sarr

Hello, I’ve recently finished the book I’ve been working on for a while, and this is my first 2nd draft chapter! I do eventually plan to pursue traditional publishing.

These are a couple of things I’m wondering, on top of anything else that strikes you.

1. I’m not sure if I like the first paragraph, and I was thinking about replacing it with a one line hook or something else. Any feedback or ideas on that would be appreciated. 
2. How does the dialogue read?

I really appreciate any feedback. If it looks familiar I posted the first version of this a while ago, but a lot has changed. 

Crit

Chapter: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1f3_lP39erwCKgwsQyBPgLlf3y77IHQemFehbmwibljw/edit?usp=sharing